Hooray to you, hairdressing types! If life seems like a burst balloon with Saturn in your sign, you'll be pleased to know there's only another nine months of this unspeakable drudgery. After that, Saturn will move to vexatious Virgo and you'll be so worried about money you'll sit up into the night, counting your pennies and wondering if you can pay the bills. In the meantime, I have to add another link to the chain of disappointments to which you're manacled in life. There will be no vile and bitter prognostications this month.
Nay, little pussy types! Essay no attempt at protest for I'm confined to bed with my silver tube surgically inserted (eek), in shock as a result of a nasty Yuletide card, sent by an aged aunt. The wretched creature insists I owe her money and is threatening to storm the walls of Heaven in her mobility cart in an effort to regain what she unjustly claims is hers. And yet I won the funds from her, fair and square, in a poker game and there wasn't nearly as much vodka in the orange juice as she claimed. It was actually the prozac in the pureed lamb (she has no teeth) but she didn't twig to that so it doesn't count. But that's enough of my troubles! You have enough of your own to be going on with. Thus it is I've decided to give you a brief burst of advice to guide you through diabolical December to the threshold of 2007, an unspeakable year if ever there was one! Here is the chortling, chiding and, of course, chastisement in the matter of such guidance as I can give from my bed of woe.
Dec 5th brings the Full Moon in nitwit Gemini, submerging a naughty world beneath a ghastly eructation of lunar excrescence. You will irritate your friends or get drunk and try to have sex with them. You will spend a great deal of money on things you don't need or on beauty treatments that will never work. As marauding Mars bangs his bumptious way into silly Sagittarius the next day, you will have sex with anything that has a pulse, laugh loudly in social situations, behave like a child, speak in silly accents or pretend you can speak a foreign language by thumping the furniture. You will jump off high buildings with a parachute or in a harness or you will roll down hillsides and ruin your best clothes. As an odious New Moon now comes in the addlepate sign of the Centaur, you will decide to go to university and study the history of stupidity. As you will know most of this already (self- taught), you may also train for the cloister or the military so you can visit a foreign country and destroy their buildings with bombs or their culture with false gods. However, as gruesome planets fart their way into Capricorn, you find that you have to stop this yelling and sexual carry on, give up your plans to study and just go back to working for a living like a normal person.
On Christmas day, you'll eat too much, fall asleep and have a dream in which you do something successful but cannot remember what it is when you wake up. Thus, you'll get depressed and spend New Year's Eve getting drunk and bitching about work to someone that you don't know. I think that's all! Be warned! I shall recover my prognosticatory powers in time to forecast the usual round of doom and gloom for the coming year in a fearsome oracular burst entitled 2007 - THE NEW TOWER OF BABEL. Ave, vacuous vanities!