Asperitus Casting Runes...
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Greetings, little fashion victims! Welcome to a New Year as fatuous, extravagant and futile as every other year in your decadent lives. Are you sitting on your sacred buttocks and paying attention? Then, I have a riddle for you! How many designer labels can you fit into the gap between your ears? The answer is, as many as you like!
Now, we've got that over with, I suppose we'd better deal with the topic of your recent religious conversion and the vile and bitter prognostications for jaded January. Last month, god exploded into your consciousness! This was in the middle of an ill-advised and largely unsuccessful visit to the old family home. In case you're interested in astrology (and if you're reading this rubbish then I doubt that), having the dreary sign of Capricorn on the cusp of your solar fourth house (home, family and emotion) is a guarantee of a dreadful childhood for each keeper of the sacred scales. For this makes sober Saturn, lord of fateful reward, the ruler of your early life experience, thus making your childhood gloomy and fraught with misery of the most restrictive kind. This placement also guarantees your end of life experience will be equally miserable and that your family will be depressing control freaks who either leave home early and never come back or hang around being a burden on you till you die.
However, back to the topic. The fires of evangelism blaze in your breast (or breasts, as the case may be) as jaded January begins. With the great Sol Invicti and Venus the goddess opposing giant Jupiter, you're off like a comet on a new life mission to bring the word of god to an unbelieving world. Mercury the messenger moves into Aquarius and your solar fifth house, filling you with ecstatic babble on the matter of divine fervour. As Mercury then conjoins with mystic Neptune, harmonizing with sober Saturn, while the great Sol Invicti and Venus the goddess meet in your solar fourth house, you find your efforts flow down two different paths. During the days, you revisit all your old haunts (beauty parlours, brothels and the like) exhorting your friends to find god as you have. At night, you preach the word of the living god to your family, urging them to join and support you on your teaching mission to save the world from its sins. Eventually, your family becomes so tired of listening to your drivel that they give you a large amount of money to set up a church on the condition that you do it somewhere else. You agree.
Come the NEW MOON in Capricorn and your solar fourth house, you purchase a disused brothel and call it the Church of Fashion & Style. You start designing a priestly wardrobe and planning the dÈcor. However, as mighty Mars is in tension with the Lunar Nodes at this time, people come in a shout at you, hit you or steal from you without even waiting for to hear your words of comfort. Thus, you decide to hold a service to reveal your mission. But, as mighty Mars moves into Aries and your solar seventh house, people fill the new church only to hurl abuse and a variety of both blunt and sharp objects in your direction. As Mercury the messenger then turns retrograde that same day, you suffer a startling realization. You see your faith is a sham and that you have nothing to say to disaffected seekers and therefore nothing to offer the world. As quickly as it began, your spiritual mission is over. And you haven't even finished designing the frocks your priests were going to wear!
As the FULL MOON comes in the odious sign of Leo, wrestling with Mercury the messenger, the great Sol Invicti, mystic Neptune and Venus the goddess, all in Aquarius and your solar fifth house, you're struck by a new plan. You will finally make the film of your life story! After all, you've got the frocks (well, very nearly), the location (a brothel) and the boundless ego of a vacuous air sign tragedy (yourself)! What more could you want? Apart from talent, integrity and the (for you, novel) concept of having something interesting to say, nothing really.
TIP FOR 2002: In the month of October, Venus the goddess turns retrograde in Scorpio and your solar second house of personal finances, making tension with giant Jupiter as she does so. Thus, you may gamble all your money (and your house if need be) on one of your fatuous creative projects, or some equally ill-fated venture. The subsequent tragic losses will give you so much to talk about at parties with your idiot friends.
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Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes
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