Asperitus Casting Runes...
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Greetings, you bothersome trollops of the buttocks persuasion! I hope you're sitting down with your usual 'cheek to cheek' elegance, for the horrors I have to unfold in this month's vile and bitter prognostications will doubtless have you reeling and grasping at any support you can find.
However, to begin with, I must say that all of your friends (idiots though they be) think you look much better in your new police uniform than you did in any of the other outlandish outfits you're inclined to wear. By the way, April fool for that! You look appalling as usual!
But what am I saying, little scales type nitwits! This is your wedding day, so how can I be cruel to you? Oh well! On the New Moon you tie the knot or twirl the baton, or whatever it is that police persons do when they get hitched. With mighty Mars and cranky Chiron conjoined in your solar fourth house, you have a moving 'wedding night' experience. You burst into tears and then recount some tragic childhood incident and thus feel closer than ever to your new partner, failing to notice, of course, that she/he has actually fallen asleep earlier in the proceedings.
As giant Jupiter moves forward, you rise quickly through the ranks of your newly chosen profession. This is largely because of your irritating tendency to see both sides of a question and thus have no actual opinion on anything that can annoy anyone. Mercury the messenger moves into Taurus and you're offered a post, doing undercover work to search out corruption among your colleagues. A raft of irritating astrological aspects too tedious to name sees you succeeding at this new enterprise and doing special training to enhance your skills in deception and equivocation. God help us all if you get any better!
But, horror of horrors, disaster strikes at the Full Moon where you're forced to turn in your recently acquired spouse. However, you're so pleased with your feats that you no longer care for the consequences. You'll simply buy outfits appropriate for prison visiting. The great Sol Invicti moves into Taurus and you take up a new secret mission. Venus moves into Aries and you adopt a disguise of magnetic beauty. Mighty Mars moves into Aquarius and you find yourself hobnobbing with drug-takers, decadents and thieves.
But what's this, little scales types? They're your old friends from the media and the entertainment industry. You're going to have to shop them, one and all. Mercury the messenger turns retrograde and you withdraw to consider what you will do. If you actually make a decision for yourself, do let me know. I haven't had a decent laugh since I last heard the phrase 'police intelligence'. Ta ta, little buttocks type nitwits!
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Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes
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