Asperitus Casting Runes...
- I salute you, keepers of the sacred buttocks! May all the great works of art you purchase match your interior décor, saving you the expense of having them altered because they clash with the couch or that new lacy cover on the toilet seat. And may your fatuous utterances always be mistaken for intelligent thought by those vacuous tragedies that seek your company and name themselves as friends! Well, that's enough praise. Let us proceed with the vile and bitter prognostications for awful August!
You discovered last month that the wonderful drama that was the miniseries of your fabulous life was nothing more than a sham, an evil subterfuge that snared you in a porn flick. There you starred with an array of small animals and sea creatures depicted in some of the most vile and disgusting acts you had ever seen. After you finish making a few notes and diagrams to add variety to your next affair, you turn to confront the film-makers that so brazenly duped you. However, as you open your mouth to speak, they rise to their feet and applaud. And guess who they're applauding, buttocks types! Why it's you, of course! Wonderful you! It seems this is no private screening but a broadcast on the web and the hits are coming like snowflakes in an Arctic storm. All this takes place under the auspices of ghastly aspects involving the great Sol Invicti, nasty Neptune and a few other hangers on like Mercury and Venus.
Suffice it to say that by the Full Moon in idiot Aquarius, you're rich as Croesus, the new darling of the porn set, the target of hate mail from an unknown source and vilified for your decadent exploits by family members and ex-lovers. Some things never change, do they, little buttocks types!
As the great Sol Invicti, Venus the goddess and jolly Jupiter all cavort in Leo and your solar eleventh house, you're feted as a film star and revel in all the adulation money and a decadent lifestyle can buy. You're drunk at the best parties, stoned at the worst clubs and a member of the mile high club so many times it would shame the bunnies that were your co-stars.
But, what's this? A new and disturbing trend emerges as Venus the goddess and the great Sol Invicti move into Virgo. The steady stream of hate mail becomes a torrent and the secret source is revealed. The animal rights campaigners are onto you, scales nitwits! And they're baying for blood. Yours! As Venus the goddess clashes with mighty Mars, you're abducted by a smelly band of terrorists, staked out in a field and violated monstrously with a soft toy. Well, the violation was actually quite nice but the toy's colours clashed awfully with your jacket.
As the New Moon in Virgo ushers jolly Jupiter into that same sign, you find yourself blindfolded and locked up at an unknown location while some tone deaf, droning nitwit lectures you for days on end about sheep that have obtained university degrees and how fish actually feel pain. As Mercury the messenger turns retrograde, you begin to feel as if you're going mad.
In the outside world, your public clamours for a second film as the studio searches high and low for you. In the private world of abduction and madness, you're a suffering soul clutching a soiled soft toy whose colour ill matches your jacket. Everything proceeds as normal in a benighted universe ruled by insane gods. See you next month, little buttocks types!
Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes