- I salute you, tiny bottom types! As you begin the odiferous journey of 2005, I will assist you to disaster as best I can by offering another sumptuous repast served on a table of vile and bitter prognostications, such as only I, Asperitus, hideous harbinger and baffling bard can lay. As the year begins, ghastly planets congregate in silly Sagittarius about the fearsome body of underworld Pluto. Thus you will fight and argue in the street and receive wise advice or a punch in the nose from strangers at bus stops. Marauding Mars looms in Sagittarius as well, clashing with idiot Uranus and you will sack those in your employ on a whim, be sacked from work for lack of punctuality or develop a tic of the nervous kind due to the constancy of dispute in your life. You may decide to be a travel agent or drive a water taxi. As cranky Chiron enters idiot Aquarius, you may become a sex therapist, take Swedish bitters for constipation or form an Abba 'tribute' band, posing as Benny, Bjorn, Agnetha, Anna Frid or all four of them. This latter will be due to a multiple personality disorder you decide to contract because of the dress code options it provides.
THE JAPES OF JOLLY JUPITER: With the jolly giant in your idiot sign, you will travel the world believing everyone you meet likes you and is your friend as you eat too much, dress outlandishly and constantly talk in a manner you mistakenly believe is humorous or clever. These shenanigans will continue till awful August when jolly Jupiter conjoins with the Lunar South Node in a manner described by sages and astrologers throughout the ages as evil, unfortunate and irritating to a 'more than somewhat' degree. Here's an opportunity to learn, nitwit bottom types. Embrace sublime irritation! For here, due in no small portion to a peculiar mix of foolishness, involvement with the 'merkin wars' and fate itself will you fall from prestigious heights to ignominious depths. As jolly Jupiter then moves to Scorpio in October (allowing several months for abject misery) you will move to Morocco, wear a fez and sell or buy sex for money. Or, you may move to Norway, become a ski instructor and sell sex for money. Or, you may fly to the Transvaal to begin a high-minded but futile campaign to save the wildebeest while selling sex for money to keep body and soul together. You may notice a pattern emerging here. Other than that, you may simply stay where you are and earn all the money you can to be filthy rich and buy expensive things.
THE SOBRIETY OF SATURN: Miserable Saturn begins the year in Cancer, leaving you oppressed by obligation, deluged by dependents and haunted by memories of a hideous family or poor relations with authority. When miserable Saturn moves on to Leo, you will lose your friends through failure and develop a secret phobia about groups. You will give up your tragic pursuit of the merkin revival and take to talking with embittered elderly folk whose deafness allows them to listen to your complaints about your wretched life without hitting you or driving away in their mobility carts.