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    Go Back  The Irksome Journeys of December 2003    Go Forward
    Salutations, little whining wastrels of the buttocks persuasion. Last month, we left you hiding under the bed as, yet again, you could not face a crisis you had created. Before we continue with the vile and bitter prognostications for dreadful December, I will say three things. Firstly, my forecast is late. Secondly, I don't care and make no apology! Thirdly, here's what you missed.

    Mischievous Mercury entered miserable Capricorn and thus a depressed sibling came into your room and asked what you were doing. Vamping Venus clashed with sober Saturn and you called on your mother to remove the annoying sibling but, alas, she did not come as she was engaged in a task of singularly greater importance (counting the coins in the change jar! Wiping spittle from the lips of a drooling elderly relative).

    But, whilst under the bed, you were able to make important decisions. Firstly, you decided the valance didn't allow your shoes to be seen to advantage when you placed them under the bed so you decided to buy a new one. Secondly, you decided that animal porn and animal liberation were now monsters of such proportion that you were unable to get on with personal life and career.

    Thus, at the Full Moon in imbecile Gemini and your solar ninth house, you resign from these activities and contact a female associate who works in publishing to see if you can get a job. You manage to employ yourself through your usual ingratiating tactics but the Heavens seem to turn against you, little airheads. Great gods alive and dead! Will you never get the justice you crave? Not while I'm around, by my little brown bottle!

    One wave of nasty aspects (the great Sol Invicti and underworld Pluto squaring jolly Jupiter) brings repercussions of a legal nature as another (marauding Mars into Aries) brings the threat of violent attack by recent associates. As mischievous Mercury turns retrograde in miserable Capricorn, you go back under the bed, following much the same line of thought as at the end of nasty November.

    When vamping Venus moves to Aquarius and mischievous Mercury opposes lugubrious Saturn, you convince the annoying sibling to go about the streets, disguised as you. The great Sol Invicti enters Capricorn, bringing a New Moon in that lugubrious sign and you decide to raise the bed legs, set up your computer beneath the mattress and work from home till its safe to walk the streets again.

    Two family rows colour the December festivities as nasty aspects colour the cosmos. One comes as a consequence of your demand for your meals to be served to you under the bed. The other comes as a result of a violent beating given to your irritable sibling by a mysterious stranger, said sibling expressing predictable concerns about your cunning ruse.

    Mischievous Mercury then re-enters silly Sagittarius while idiot Uranus returns to tear-stained Pisces and we discover you've become a somewhat tragic figure. You've been commissioned to write bogus astrological forecasts for a woman's magazine by your new employers. Gods, little Scales types! Could you sink any lower? Well, apparently you can for your health begins to suffer in this prolonged and uncomfortable confinement. Your feet develop a nervous twitch and a strange odour. Great gods alive and dead! How will you live with yourselves now that you have an indecorous residence, an un-stylish occupation and a less than prepossessing malady? Who knows, little Scales twits? Who cares? Not I! Goodbye! Until next month!

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