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    Go Back  The Jittery Journeys of February 2004    Go Forward
    Salutations, O members of the buttocks brigade! Are you seated comfortably on your happy little cheeks? Then let us proceed with the vile and bitter prognostications for fearful February.

    At the end of last year, we left you with foot odour, a nervous twitch, a permanent domicile under your bed (have you done something about the valance?) and an awful job writing astrological forecasts for a woman's magazine. It's almost seems sufficient punishment, little jug-eared galoots? Hmm! What do you think?

    Alas, I fear not! Cranky Chiron conjoins mischievous Mercury as vamping Venus clashes with underworld Pluto and a stream of counsellors, social workers and bailiffs with eviction orders arrives at your door, called of course by concerned parents. Naturally, you resist all such efforts to make you see sense or dislodge you. You do this by putting your hands over your eyes and pretending that no one can see you.

    But, wonder of wonders! Come the Full Moon in fatuous Leo, you're saved! Is there no justice at all in the Heavens, as useless articles like yourselves flourish while entire countries go down the plug hole? Apparently not! Your ridiculous forecasts gain great popularity with a brainless public and are syndicated on websites and in magazines across the globe before you can say 'all Pisces are addicts'. Vamping Venus enters arrogant Aries and money pours in. Adoring fans hammer at your door or inundate you with emails.

    As marauding Mars harmonizes with miserable Saturn, you find you have a website, secretarial staff, a financial manager and a taste for the good life. Come the New Moon in tear-stained Pisces, conjoined in unseemly fashion with idiot Uranus, you summon a helicopter and have yourself flown, bed and all, to a specialist who treats your twitch, your nervous condition and tells you constantly what wonderful looking buttocks you have. You donate your bed to be auctioned for charity and buy yourself a country estate. There you hire several secretaries to write your appalling forecasts while you abandon yourself to lechery and lascivious behaviour (marauding Mars in your solar eighth house).

    And there I must leave you, ridiculous nobodies! I shall need to increase my prescription strength to come up with a suitable fate to punish you for your undeserved success and your generally appalling character! Till next time!

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