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    Go Back  The Jittery Journeys of May 2004  Go Forward
    Salutations, little buttocks type persons! Idiot Uranus has brought a stinking tragedy to your feet and something of a disturbing nervous twitch to your deportment. Thus, successful as you are writing sham astrology (sniff!), no one will have anything to do with you and you also need to replace your furniture on a weekly basis (the twitch at work). This is what the year has brought you so far. And so we can only hope, as we unravel the vile and bitter prognostications for awkward April, that such undignified trends will continue.

    So let us see. Last month, we left you on the threshold of a miracle of sorts as a faith healer from a foreign land flew in to enter your subtle realms (a ghastly thought) and heal you of your afflictions. Despite that fact that we in Heaven believe that there is nothing that can be done for you, we will allow this fiasco to proceed, as what normally passes for entertainment in a benighted universe ruled by insane gods is, as always, sadly lacking. As mischievous Mercury meanders gloomily in Taurus and your solar eighth house, you discuss the financial reward with your healer, though she/he claims she/he wants nothing for doing god’s work (just expenses and a little something on the side), your credit card takes a beating nonetheless.

    Vamping Venus crashes into Gemini and the healer’s entourage arrives to be put up in a nearby ‘five star’ hotel. By the Full Moon in your fatuous sign, with marauding Mars testing jolly Jupiter, you’re surrounded by praying, dancing, stick-shaking and ecstatic fits such as you’ve never seen before, even under the influence of class ‘a’ drugs. You yourself begin dancing crazily and calling on the name of the almighty.

    As cranky Chiron, the great Sol Invicti and mischievous Mercury all disport themselves in unseemly fashion, you’re swept into a frenzy by your healer. But what’s this? By my little brown bottle, it’s a miracle! Your feet no longer stink and your twitch vanishes. You wail and cavort in what you mistakenly believe is a sensuous manner.

    And, come the New Moon in arrogant Aries and your solar seventh house, you fall desperately in love with this almost mystical being. Passion consumes you as the great Sol Invicti slinks into Taurus and your solar eighth house. Finally, marauding Mars and vamping Venus clash with underworld Pluto and you give up astrology to flee hand in hand with your new love to a new world and a new life at a healing sanctuary in a foreign land. You too will learn the art of entering the subtle body and dancing away the evil demons of illness.

    I feel somewhat ill myself here, so I will stop now and anaesthetize myself until next month when I may write more of this piffle. Farewell, little air sign loonies!

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