Asperitus Casting Runes...
Salutations, simpering keepers of the sacred buttocks! Have you heard the latest news? There are moves afoot to have the air signs (of which you are one) removed from the Zodiac. Won’t that be jolly!
The argument is that there is really nothing at all to the odious tribe of empty vessels born under the rulership of the element of air. You are certainly full of noise, movement and change but you have no substance, as anyone who knows you well will well know. If that last sentence is a little complicated, read it aloud and slowly and I’m sure you’ll make sense of it in the end. You’re no more than a fart in a bottle. Now, as to the matter of your joie de vivre, lost in last month’s adventures! Have you found it again? Or are you still wandering tragically in the wilds with a forlorn look on your face? No! Don’t answer me now! I am about to prognosticate! I, Asperitus, the oracle of bitter truth, hereby speak of the doings of deleterious December, insofar as they concern the dreaded sign of the Scales (that’s you).
The FULL MOON in Gemini and your solar third house sends you sprawling into the throes of the month, conjoining with sober Saturn as she blazes her arrogance at the great Sol Invicti in Sagittarius and your solar ninth house. You may have a traffic accident, involving a collision with an elderly foreign, bilingual academic. This will be brought about through inattention because of your own sickening self-absorption. But doubtless you’ll talk your way out of any consequent trouble and have a brief but passionate roadside affair due to the harmonious aspects with mystic Neptune and the tension between mighty Mars and Venus the goddess.
As Venus the goddess then moves into Sagittarius and your solar third house, restlessness possesses you and you move on from the site of this passing crash and crush to a mysterious unknown. However, as Mercury the messenger and the great Sol Invicti meet to first oppose sober Saturn, lord of fateful reward, and then conjoin with underworld Pluto, you have a series of stressful arguments. These are with waitresses and service station attendants over bills you can’t be bothered paying, and when one brainless nonentity makes a disparaging remark about the style of your dress, you threaten to kill them. But, after they knock you to the ground and kick you in the buttocks several times, you decide to withdraw your threat and spare their life. What a compassionate soul you are!
When mighty Mars moves into Pisces and your solar sixth house, you realize that you are out of funds and are thus forced to take some menial job, loosely involved with the docks or the fishing industry. However, as Venus the goddess opposes sober Saturn, you fight with your superiors over the appalling smell and the stains on your clothing and manage to resign one second before they sack you. Chiron the wounded healer then moves into Capricorn and your solar fourth house so you decide to return home and heal the tragic wounds from your family life. After all, your parents were so critical of your dress sense that you nearly gave up altogether on the search for style. What a shame they didn’t try harder to dissuade you. Violence could have been judiciously used! Ah well!
As the NEW MOON comes in Sagittarius, bringing a solar eclipse, you surrender your life on the open road, having failed to find your lost joie de vivre. The Heavens begin to mass planets and luminary bodies in Capricorn and your solar fourth house, thus celebrating your tearful homecoming (the tears were largely your own, brought about by the missiles your angry parents threw in your direction).
As mighty Mars in Pisces wrestles with sober Saturn, your health deteriorates and your parents are forced to provide you with accommodation, despite all of those threats they made years ago about you never darkening their door again. As you lie abed, complaining about how dull Christmas will be with you confined in this way, there comes a knock at the door. It’s travelling evangelist. In the hope that he will drive you from the family home, they send him to your room.
But, as mighty Mars squares underworld Pluto, you experience a religious conversion and a miraculous healing. You arise from your bed (after thanking the evangelist personally, regardless of their sex) and stride into the family living room. There you commence to preach the word of god. I don’t think I can write anymore now. The drugs are wearing off. Return next month and discover what trails of fatuous extravagance this conversion will take you down.
Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes