Salutations, my snivelling wretches! Welcome to jaundiced July and its grievous serve of misery and pain! And grievous indeed it will be for you, O nasty little types!
First cab off the rank will be marauding Mars barrelling his belligerent way into vexatious Virgo and thus besetting you with carping enemies, savagely passionate suitors and orderly opponents, many bearing astounding mechanical devices, herbal preparations, athletic equipment or books of accounts. You will instanter go into sweaty fits of uncertainty, not knowing whether you should give way to their advances, run away from their assail or simply fall to pieces as you usually do. However, as you feel uncertain most of the time, no one will notice any difference in your demeanour.
As the New Moon comes in neurotic Cancer, you will hold a dinner party, inviting friends, enemies and suitors so everyone can get on (ugh). However, you will also get drunk and fall head first into the Alaskan Bomb you made for desert. You will bark like an Athenian street dog while unconscious as greedy friends and family members go through your wallet and your change jar to steal your money. An elderly relative will then move into your home and take over, despite every bitter word of protest you utter. The creature will take over your life, getting you up early, refusing to let you watch your favourite television, forcing you to make the bed (complete with hospital corners) and demanding you pick up your clothes (ugh).
As you can't win an argument with this ghastly curmudgeon, you take to singing in a loud and lunatic voice in order to ignore the constant stream of instructions issuing from his gob. Vamping Venus slides into lackwit Leo and you socialize with work mates then bring them home in the hope you will overwhelm the nasty relative with decadent behaviour. However, as mischievous Mercury gropes grim Saturn and marauding Mars, the nasty relative organizes these visitors military style, marching them in and out of bathrooms, bedrooms, making them do drill on the lawn and demanding they salute him constantly.
Naturally, they leave in high dudgeon, dismissing you as a 'tragic' and 'loser' and sending pictures of the offending relative to friends just as a New Moon comes in lugubrious Capricorn. As the great Sol Invicti rolls and clatters drunkenly into lackwit Leo, you get a job, take to wearing a disguise and get a haircut so that no one will recognize you. You still can't get rid of the elderly relative. As ghastly planets fart in nasty aspect, you spend all your time at work talking and taking drugs till you eventually get the sack.
Another tragic chapter on the tear-stained road of your inane and futile lives! Ave, O piscatorial nightmares!