Asperitus Casting Runes...
Salutations, fish-faced miseries! Welcome to miserable May and the vile and bitter prognostications thereof.
Last month, you turned your back on the fame and fortune brought by your debut performance on the silver screen and ran off with a sailor from Venezuela. Never one to be content with just one poor decision and its consequent tithe of abject misery and failure, this month you lift yourself to exceptional heights or sink to exceptional depths, depending on how you regard such matters. With the odious Mercury the messenger in Taurus and your solar eleventh house, hobnobbing with idiotic Chiron, you decide to give up the profligate life with your sailor and take the healer's path.
You fly to the ministrations of Doris the Eskimo as the New Moon comes in Taurus and give yourself to her teaching program. As the New Moon also comes with nasty aspects to mighty Mars and mystic Neptune, you have to learn a language that consists largely of gutturals and grunting. But, as Mercury is still retrograde, you don't understand anything she says anyway so the new language doesn't make that much difference.
Mercury the messenger then clashes with mighty Mars and mystic Neptune and your teacher locks you in a disused bus and proceeds to rain fireworks upon you and keep you awake for days on end by honking the horn. This is to test your spiritual mettle. Needless to say you fail, turning into a gibbering wreck. Your teacher finally releases you and you fall to the ground, babbling insanely.
The Full Moon comes in Scorpio and your solar ninth house, bringing a lunar eclipse and you find you can't remember your native tongue. Mercury the messenger moves direct, squaring giant Jupiter and you're floating somewhere between incoherent and insensate, but your mentor leads you to the healing table and helps place your hands on an ailing client.
As the great Sol Invicti moves into Gemini and clashes with revolutionary Uranus, your body is charged with electricity, causing a dazzling light show around your hands and your client. This far exceeds any display of pyrotechnics you've experienced through drugs so that's a plus! Your client leaps up with an exultant shout, cured completely of her pains. My god, little fish-faced miseries! You've become a spiritual healer. You gratefully thank your teacher, Doris. You do this with your eyes, as you're still incoherent. As Mercury the messenger conjoins with Venus the goddess and both of these clash with mystic Neptune, your healing skills are advertised far and wide.
Come the New Moon in Gemini, bringing a solar eclipse to your tenth house, your new vocation has become your life and the old identity born of heartache and sorrow is gone altogether. What joys await you on this new path? I think I'll have to sleep before I can write any more of this drivel. Click here next month if you're at all interested. I'm not.
Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes