Asperitus Casting Runes...
Greetings, tearful nitwits, stars in the farce of life's tragedy! Or is that stars in the tragedy of life's farce? I can never remember anything important to do with you. Perhaps because there is nothing! Anyway! Enough of this! It may begin to sound as though I'm conversing with you. Shudder! Let us hie to the vile and bitter prognostications for jaundiced June.
Giant Jupiter and nasty Neptune oppose each other in your solar sixth and twelfth houses, so you'll have a spiritual crisis that will bring about health problems or a health crisis that will bring about spiritual problems. But, great Heavens, little nonentities in the fishbowl of life! I had forgotten! You've discovered you're the proud possessor of magical healing powers and now lead a useful and uplifting life, with the path of heartache and sorrow far behind. Thus, as sober Saturn enters Cancer and your solar fifth house, you become a famous healer, mother to the sick and lame and disaffected of the world.
Great gods alive and dead! You might become the most famous healer in history! People may speak your name with reverence in the years to come and elect you to sainthood. After all, people far worse than you have become saints. Look at Saint Cyril! The holy act that distinguished his spiritual career and marked him for greatness was to burn a building populated entirely by people who disagreed with the Christian Church, while they were still in it. If he can make it to the pantheon, so can you, tiny tragic folk! And then you have my shining example to lead you upward. All I do is ridicule people and remain constantly under medication and I have become one of the most enlightened people in the world. All the doctors here in Heaven say so! Gods! I'm conversing with you again! But then it's so important for the enlightened being to take an interest in the benighted folk. In the end it does no good, but you poor wee dears will feel so much better about your miserable condition if I do so.
I suppose I'd better get on with things. If you're anywhere near as bored as I am, we're both in trouble! A raft of tedious planets crash into your solar fourth house and clash with revolutionary Uranus as Lady Moon comes to the Full. You find yourself so rich and successful, you have to move to a big house with a staircase (to fall down whilst drunk), lots of servants and lots of cars, colour coded for each day of the week.
Mighty Mars moves into your sign and you turn into an aggressive and arrogant bully because you're doing so well. But the funny thing is, nobody minds! That's the wonder of being rich and famous. You do things that poor nobodies are arrested for and everyone applauds you like a clever child. It's a benighted world, little fish-faced tragedies! Ruled by insane gods!
The great Sol Invicti moves into Cancer at the Solstice, ready to conjoin with miserable Saturn and you're now so successful, you're listed on the stock exchange and the masses want to invest in you. As a wild conflagration occurs amongst an assortment of unspeakably dull planets, you get drunk, fall down the stairs, sack all the staff who witnessed it, hire a new lot and fall in love one of them.
Come the New Moon in Cancer, you decide to marry and have a child so your remarkable talents will not be lost to the world when you die. Click here next month and see if anyone in authority has the sense to forbid from propagating your infernally neurotic and miserable species. Until then, little fish-faces!
Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes