Asperitus Casting Runes...
Hooray and hola, odious fish-faces! Greetings to you and to the miasma of tragic influence that hovers (as always) about your pasty and tear-stained faces like some irksome fog. Last month we left you in the ruins of another dream gone sour as a marriage made in Heaven turned to a nightmare of a more infernal nature. The nuptial bells rang for you and a sporting icon and yet, on arrival at an island paradise that was to be the marital home, you found insufferable and incontinent elderly folk, odious and ill-behaved children and the threat of terrorist activity!
Great gods alive and dead, tiny travesties, this is especially odious, is it not? Even in a benighted universe ruled by insane gods! So, what do the vile and bitter prognostications hold for you in nasty November? It could be more of the same! It could be worse! Attend me now, nitwit fishy folk, and I shall reveal all!
By my little brown bottle, indeed I shall. Gruesome planets and ghastly aspects allow evil (or something tediously akin to it) to wreak havoc on a benighted world, homeland to you and all the irksome twelve. Venus the goddess clashes with eccentric Uranus and then enters silly Sagittarius and thus we find you, knee deep in the leavings and the tantrums of your new charges. You discover too that there is a religious element to the new life of home and spouse as evangelistic rantings fill the air with threats of damnation, doom and other nasty outcomes.
At the Full Moon and a lunar eclipse in tragic Taurus, you desperately try to call or email for help, but mysterious forces act against your every effort. Mischievous Mercury clashes with eccentric Uranus moves to nitwit Sagittarius and you find you're expected to home school these cretinous children as well as clean and care for them. Ye gods, little fishes! This is intolerable!
But that's not the end of it! Venus the goddess conjoins with underworld Pluto and the nasty terrorist plot in which you're expected to participate is revealed. Your new spouse belongs to an obscure Swedish cult that wishes to establish a world government, both secular and spiritual, with Abba 'look-alikes' to take the highest office. Thus will the lyrics from Abba Gold become a sacred text for a new age and the parents of the world will be compelled by law to name their children 'Bjorn' or 'Benny' or 'Anna' and of course the other one whose name no one can remember.
This is too much, even for neurotic walking tragedies like you! Come a New Moon and a solar eclipse in idiot Sagittarius, you start a blazing row! You quit your duties and commandeer a phone by threatening to pour battery acid on the Abba Gold CD, one that's digitally re-mastered and personally autographed by Bjorn, Benny, Anna and the other one! You have a massive fortune at home as your staff have been taking payments for absent healing requests (after all, you are absent). You use it to summon lawyers and armed guards to the island where you hold a 'machine gun point' divorce, pour the battery acid anyway and then fly out.
Venus the goddess enters miserable Capricorn and you touch down at the home of an elderly friend to rest and recuperate before beginning the next astounding chapter in the tragic farce of your tear-stained lives. Adieu till then, little nitwits!