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    Go Back  The Irksome Journeys of December 2003   Go Forward
    Greetings, miserable fish-faced lunatics! I'm sorry this forecast is late, but there's nothing you or I can do about that now. I overslept (just a week or so). I'm awake at the moment, or in something fairly close to a state of wakefulness, so let us proceed!

    Last month we saw you wash your hands of a bizarre romantic encounter, involving a sporting person, a remote island, the digitally re-mastered CD of Abba Gold and a plot to take over the world. Normal fare really, considering we dwell in a benighted universe ruled by insane gods. So, what do the vile and bitter prognostications hold for you in the month of dreadful December?

    Firstly, to catch up on what you've missed. Mischievous Mercury entered miserable Capricorn and your solar eleventh house, so you doubtless gossiped with friends about the remarkable times you've had recently. Vamping Venus then clashed with lugubrious Saturn, causing many of the aforementioned friends to get bored with listening to you and find excuses to leave your unprepossessing company. Then came the Full Moon in idiot Gemini that saw you arrive home to discover the place was filled with riffraff, spongers, drug-dealers and a number of swarthy and threatening individuals with outrageous foreign accents.

    These last were due to the presence of underworld Pluto conjoining with the great Sol Invicti as the two of them clashed with Lady Moon. And, further to that, all those gathered in your home were living off the proceeds of a highly successful 'absent healing' business you've built up over time, largely by being absent when people need you (but that's another story). Now we've found our feet with the day of the month, little fish-faced nitwits, let's see where matters go next. The great Sol Invicti conjoins in unseemly fashion with underworld Pluto and both clash with jolly Jupiter. You call in the minions of the law, have your staff, hangers-on and spongers ejected and, with marauding Mars battering his belligerent way into Aries, get on with the business of making money as you put your miraculous healing gifts to work again.

    But what's this, little piscatorial lunatics? Mischievous Mercury turns retrograde in miserable Capricorn and it turns out that the people you ejected were actually your friends, doing what your friends have always done ever since you've known them! After this thoughtless and insensitive slight, they turn against you, muttering about how you've changed and sticking pins in your picture. Of course, you refuse to face up to what you've done and, as vamping Venus enters Aquarius and you devote yourself to your calling. As well as that you take a secret lover so that you won't be sexually frustrated and write nasty letters to the rejected friends about how you never liked them anyway.

    Come the great Sol Invicti's passage into Capricorn, bringing a New Moon in that miserable sign, you go out and get a lot of new friends, the best that money can buy, and invite them to Christmas dinner at your home. However, as nasty aspects gather in the Heavens, nasty ex-friends gather in the streets and hurl rocks on your roof, spoiling the festivities.

    Idiot Uranus returns to your sign and you become over-excited, walking around in a strange and erratic manner. Mischievous Mercury returns to Sagittarius and you begin gibbering and raving in stilted fashion in a variety of foreign languages. And to cap off a near perfect month, as the new friends flee while the old friends continue to throw rocks on the roof, your parents arrive, asking to borrow money as an investment scheme they were involved in has gone belly up!

    Great gods alive and dead, fish-faced nitwits! What will you do? By my little brown bottle, I can't think of a thing. Click here next month to see if matters improve for one of us. Ta! Ta!

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