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    Go Back  The Jittery Journeys of January 2004   Go Forward
    Salutations, piscatorial tragedies! Welcome to the world the New Year! May each step of this trail of tears be every bit as damp as the ones you've taken in the past!

    With fatuous Uranus in your sign and vamping Venus in your solar twelfth house of sorrows and hidden enemies, you'll embark on a series of tragic affairs and doomed addictions, become a highly successful if somewhat neurotic creative artist and develop a nervous twitch. You may take to wearing eccentric headgear or write a successful book on yoga called THE ART OF THE HEADSTAND. This will involve you standing on your head a lot, especially at parties or in public places to the supreme embarrassment of friends and close associates who will spend a lot of time shaking their heads sadly at your tragic condition and paying your therapy bills. This, of course, will make them shake their heads in an even sadder manner.

    With jolly Jupiter in idiot Virgo and your solar seventh house until September, you will live off the success of partners and associates, feigning illness or pretending to do something important so as to ensure you don't have to work. However, in desperation, they will shout you a trip to Lourdes where you will take the waters, see a vision of the Virgin and experience a miraculous cure. When jolly Jupiter moves on into Libra, you will move to Vienna, talk in an exaggerated manner about your achievements amongst a crowd of pretentious artistic folk. You will have lots of sex, defraud people of their hard-earned money and generally live a decadent lifestyle, getting drunk and taking drugs.

    On a more sober note (NB this is a pun), with lugubrious Saturn in neurotic Cancer, your children will find out where you're living, arrive on your doorstep and demand you take care of them. You'll either use your ill-gotten gains to hire a nanny with whom you'll have a tragic affair or feign a nervous breakdown and commit yourself to a sanitarium in the South Pacific. There you'll regale the inmates with tearful tales of your sad and tragic life whilst sipping martini and medication cocktails in the shade of a palm tree. Do have one for me, little fish-faced nitwits! Farewell!

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