- Salutations, tiny wretched specimens! We left you last time in the grip of a spiritual conflict of dastardly proportion! On the one hand, you were filled with a sense of power and exultation beyond anything that you have ever known in your largely miserable existence, as you set yourself to become a time lord and travel the chronological corridors of history, gathering ill-gotten wealth.
Yet, on the other hand, you were wracked with fear at the possibility that these inner urges were entirely the result of your possession by a demon, the child of Asmodeus who is, incidentally, a force to be reckoned with in the pandemonium of the twenty-nine hells. Thus, you were torn between extremes of feeling and all but beside yourself with the distress of indecision, a position most familiar to you on the rocky road of life. Thus, you were wishing with all your puny might that life could be simpler and that you yourself could be simpler, by dint of being transformed to an apricot tree, as I recall. An unlikely development, but then mysterious are the ways of the insane gods that rule a benighted universe!
So what will happen now, tiny piscatorial tragedies? Let us consult the vile and bitter prognostications for awful April and discover! Predictably, ghastly planets fart in the cosmic winds as the month begins. With many of them in odious Aries, you're becoming confused about your desire for money. Your concern is that your obsessive need for money is a demonic mask for a deep subconscious lack (after all, you have so many of those). This grows and grows till the New Moon comes in arrogant Aries, bringing a Solar Eclipse to your second house of personal finances. Thus, you decide you will live without money altogether and put aside these notions of buccaneering in time, except of course for purely historical interest, though you did tend to fall asleep in history classes or instead draw naked stick figures having sex. However, as mischievous Mercury turns direct, you realize that you're lost in time (you haven't actually left France yet) and have neither the funds nor a plan to carry you through to whatever awaits you on the other side of this nightmare. Eek!
In addition, you are no longer a dolphin and neither do you have a coloured ball nor a reliable timepiece. You've often been told by your elders that a reliable timepiece is the key to a happy life. However, that may have been because you were always late and they were trying to encourage you to do better without provoking the floods of tears for which your sign is legend when distressed (when is it not..?). Marauding Mars then conjoins in unseemly fashion with nasty Neptune and you find yourself drifting away to some other realm, lost in the contemplation of what life may be like as a tree. Vamping Venus moves to cloddish Taurus, clashing with cranky Chiron and you almost feel you can commune with trees and sense the simple and abiding values that move them to stand forever still (as it were). Marauding Mars wrestles with lugubrious Saturn and you can feel a certain stiffness of limb setting in. Egad! How unnerving!
The great Sol Invicti then follows the path of Venus and you almost feel you're part of the great orchard of life and can hear the converse of the trees filling the air. Come the Full Moon in morbid Scorpio that brings a Lunar Eclipse to your solar ninth house, you begin to believe you are a tree! An apricot tree! What lovely fruit you bear on your slender boughs. What a lovely shade of green it is that infuses your leaves!
But what's this! Great gods alive and dead, say not so! You cannot move at all! Has the power of the demon that inhabits your inner reaches and private places granted you this wish, transmuting you from one living form to another? Perhaps it has! Oh my sainted aunt! How will you have sex? Or take drugs! Or sit down to watch television?
But, what's worse, a wild creature has come and is, at this very moment, nibbling your apricots! Eek! What will you do? What can a tree do against an indignity such as this? You may have to just leaf it alone! Or bow to your fate! Or branch out in another direction!
I must rest now. Stay right where you are and I will return next month with more of this outrageous twaddle! It may take us to the root of the problem. Or it may not. We shall just have to see. Until then, farewell!