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    Go Back  The Sublime Irritations of May 2005  Go Forward
    Pisces Great elephants and dancing monkeys, my fatuous and finny types! It's time to address you once again on the matter of your ghastly fate! And tear-stained it is, this fate of yours, and doubtless you will face it in the usual snivelling fashion! For are you not Fishes lost in time? And space? Fishes aimlessly at swim in the oceans of un-meaning!

    Ah well! Last time, you were turning into an apricot tree! Egad! Or at least you thought you were. And creatures were nibbling your fruit. Shriek and double shriek! Or at least you thought they were. You also thought this ghastly transformation may have been due to agency of a demon that possessed you, the child of a notable infernal named Asmodeus. Except that you weren't sure you were possessed either. You just thought you might have been. And this is one of your problems! You think things have happened but then you can't be sure. And then you think that thinking things have happened might actually be worse than them happening because if they actually happened then you wouldn't have to think about whether they had or not. For thinking is the worst thing and, as you're never really sure about anything that happens, you have to think a lot about whether things are true.

    Ah well! I expect that's how the Twelfth House was created. This would account for the fact that nobody likes it and everyone describes it as a place of misery, addiction, failure, self-undoing, hidden enemies and general debilitation. The twelfth house is your home, my little piscatorial miseries. And that's exactly where we find you! With marauding Mars in your solar twelfth house as the month begins!

    You believe you're under attack from hidden enemies (demons, nibblers, etc). You're wondering if you're possessed, wondering if you're an apricot tree and wondering that if you are an apricot tree whether anything is actually nibbling your fruit. And if it is, are you supposed to like it? After all, if you were an apricot tree, wouldn't you expect your fruit to be nibbled and simply not care? Thus, if you're worried about it, doesn't that prove you're not an apricot tree! Though, needless to say, you could still be possessed! And so it goes. I think we'll stop now before one of us has to die. And anyway, marauding Mars moves into your sign as the month begins and you immediately forget about apricot trees and such and look around for someone to hit and someone to have sex with, pursuits entirely proper to auspices of the belligerent warrior god. You're transformed to a rambunctious creature. Ghastly planets fart in nasty aspect and you decide to be a time lord after all, just like Doctor Who.

    Come the New Moon in leaden Taurus, you appear magically in city streets to passers-by, insulting them or striking nasty blows (eek). You fill yourself with sexual allure and seduce them on the spot. As lugubrious Saturn clashes with the Lunar Nodes, you steal money from under their noses. As mischievous Mercury comes into cloddish Taurus and clashes with cranky Chiron, you make weird remarks in their ears. You also snatch sweets from their mouths, ensuring you have invaded all the cranial orifices. You offend the rich (Mars clashing with Jupiter) and abuse the powerful (the great Sol Invicti wrestling with Pluto). However, as marauding Mars conjoins in unseemly fashion with Uranus, the idiot god, you become bored with this and decide to be the ruler of the world instead (Mars and Uranus grappling with jolly Jupiter).

    By all the gods alive and dead, little fishy twits! It seems your demonic desires have returned, but we could put that down to Mars. As the great Sol Invicti enters idiot Gemini and your solar fourth house, you take up residence in a disused railway siding in a remote mountain fastness, a popular style of dwelling for would-be rulers of the world with entity problems. However, as lugubrious Saturn grapples with dark Pluto, lord of the underworld, you start to wonder what it is you're supposed to do to be ruler of the world. Should you conjure conquering armies or issue cold and sneering commands to underlings? Should you just be rich and have lots of consorts? You begin to think you should go back to hitting passers-by in the street or having sex with them as that was fairly simple for you!

    But then the Full Moon comes in addlepate Sagittarius and you wonder if you're already ruler of the world and have simply forgotten. After all, you're a time lord! And that's after being the dolphin of France. And France was where you learned black magic and swallowed a demon. And you only went there after you saw the Virgin at Lourdes so you must be very spiritually evolved, mustn't you. Unfortunately, my tiny twits, you're wandering off again. You even begin to wonder if you're actually real or just making yourself up. Perhaps trepanning would help an intelligent thought to find its way into your brain!

    Mischievous Mercury moves into idiot Gemini and your solar fourth house and you begin to talk to yourself in an increasingly desperate endeavour to find out who you are and if you're real! But, by my little brown bottle, what's this! Great gods alive and dead, it's a horror too horrible to contemplate. A demonic voice answers your petulant questions! Eek! You are possessed! 'I am the child of Asmodeus!' the voice says. 'And you're my slave, even though your thinking leaves a lot to be desired!'

    Great Caesar's ghost! How well the creature knows you! What will happen now? Click here next month and see!
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