Fie upon you, flatulent fishy types! I have awoken from the sleep of sublime irritation (known only to the few) to speak on the matter of your wretched lives. But what's the point? It's a tear-stained trail of suffering for you, my piscatorial nightmares, regardless of the month or the year! Oh, and by the way! It's devilish December. I have been reliably informed of this by the staff here in Heaven.
Now last time, as I recall (and it's to my horror that I do), you performed a magical act by stopping the world. Gadzooks! In part, this was because you had discovered you were King Ethelred the Unready in a past life. In another part, it was because you didn't know what else to do and so magically compelled the world to operate as does a tragic fishface (such as your good self), poised in a moment of wittering indecision.
So, there you stand! Marauding Mars leaves jolly Jupiter aghast with his unwanted attentions, as you are aghast at the unsuspecting world you've reduced to a dreary tableau, something philosophers and dreamers have always claimed it to be! All about you seems frozen as the ghastly New Moon cavorts insanely in silly Sagittarius. Mischievous Mercury moves forward in evil Scorpio and you run about, shaking people and screaming loudly in their faces as you've seen actors do in movies about magic or the end of the world or any other such fantasy as this. However, just as in the movie, so in life. No one responds to your desperate plea. But, by my sainted aunt, what's this?
Great gods and hairy demons, it's a cosmic shock! Shriek! It's cranky Chiron, returned to Aquarius, sign of the idiot god. And, what's worse, this nitwit planet is in your solar twelfth house! Double shriek! That's the place where your hopes meet your fears and a dreadful collision usually occurs, though none can tell if optimism or pessimism that will survive the impact. It's also the thing that occurred (Chiron in Aquarius) in your halcyon days as the Dolphin of all France when you encountered sorcery and were possessed by the demon child of Asmodeus. Which is, in fact, the eccentric nonsense that set this whole journey in motion, unless you want to go right back to the headstand cult, the buccaneering days and the sailing trip to Lourdes. But really! Need we go that far back? Oh the ennui! The ennui!
Anyway, cranky Chiron now carries on and cavorts insanely as marauding Mars resumes his characteristic forward thrusting, terrifying the elderly and reducing religious persons to a sermonizing frenzy. Suddenly you're filled with a sense of your own magical power! Forsooth, piscatorial nightmares! Have you not stopped the world in its tracks! You must be a creature of might and mien and not a wittering tearful wretch as everybody thinks! As mischievous Mercury re-enters silly Sagittarius, you launch into a tirade of judgement on these frozen figures of the mundane world, telling them all exactly what you think of them and the world at large. As Jolly Jupiter rubs his corpulence against the wrinkles of aging Saturn, you log all your complaints. You rant about society, religion, politics, god, the price of fuel and the cost of intoxicants, coloured pencils and eye makeup to the immobile group in earshot and in the grip of your magical powers.
But what's this! Great giggling gods and hairy little demons, vamping Venus joins cranky Chiron in idiot Aquarius for a roistering dose of 'bouncy bouncy wee'! Thus, you wonder about the extent of your powers. After all, have you paralyzed a suburb, a city sector, the entire city, the nation? Egad! Perhaps the entire world is frozen and awaiting your magical commands! Gadzooks! What will you do if the world waits upon you and you alone for mobility to return? What great powers you must have! And what will you do with them? Well, I'll tell you. A Full Moon blazes in loony Gemini. The great Sol Invicti penetrates the netherworld of dark Pluto and you decide you will go and find your family. If they're not frozen, you'll freeze them. If they are, you'll rail at them with every nasty or sarcastic jibe you've ever thought or muttered under your breath. After all, it must be their fault that you're such an idiot!
Ye gods and little fishes, they're going to hear it all! Now that you're a master magician and occultist, your family will pay for every hurt you've felt and every tear you've cried. By my little brown bottle, it's going to be a long month! Mischievous Mercury clashes with Uranus, idiot god and god of idiots, and a thought strikes you out of the blue. Egad! You can't remember where they actually live. Eek! How will you lambaste them when you don't have their address? Losing touch is so awkward, isn't it! The great Sol Invicti grinds his way into lugubrious Capricorn, visiting yet another solstice on an over-burdened world, and you decide to set out nonetheless in the hope of finding a friend along the way that you can ask. But what if the friend is frozen too? Will you be able to unfreeze them? Are you truly the master magician who can stop the world or are you just having another of your episodes?
Vamping Venus moves into perverse reverse and you look about you, bewildered. Eek! Perhaps it's you that's frozen while all the world still moves. Mischievous Mercury gropes dark Pluto and you begin that 'shouting and pulling people about' business from the movies once more in a desperate effort (yet another one) to establish the truth. And then, tiny tragic ning-nongs! A miracle occurs. It's New Year's Eve and the New Moon comes in lugubrious Capricorn, locked in unspeakable congress with jolly Jupiter. Rainbow lights play about your pointed head and choirs of angels fill the air with singing. The winged ones now descend and dance a magic circle about your tottering bewildered form. Shriek and double shriek, little loonies! Is this the redemption that you have so long wished for?
Ye gods, but I'm feeling unwell! In fact, I haven't felt so bad since the last time I heard a story that finished with that bosh and bilge about how 'they all lived happily ever after'. Medic! Bring me my brown bottle and silver tube. I must take the prone position and decline ever so slightly. As for you, fishy types! If you wish to further your experience of this utter tripe, do click here next month. But for the nonce, ave atque vale, my eccentric little wretches!