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    Click for Last Month  The Awful Ambiguities of November 2006  Click for Next Month
    Pisces Toodle pip, piscine twits! We left you in a ghastly state of disarray last time as all that seemed to favour you turned against you in a nasty manner. Will there be any improvement this time? As it's the month of noxious November, we'd best consult the vile and bitter prognostications and so discover.

    Of course, we encounter gruesome difficulties from the outset as mischievous Mercury, moving in perverse reverse, waves his rudest bit in the face of grim Saturn, plunging the ancient one's mood from middling grey despair to black depression. The upshot of all this is that your health suffers, due to incessant worry about the future and a serious attack of creeping ennui, due to having to listen the ghastly angelic creature (with whom you're utterly disenchanted) twitter on to the almighty in a sycophantic fashion. In addition, you're bored and dizzy with watching the ghosts of failure and disappointment dance about the place. After all, you know them well enough by now! And you know their children! And their children's children! Ugh!

    By the way, if none of this makes sense, kindly
    read last month's forecast and do try to keep up in future. As the Full Moon blazes in cloddish Taurus, you decide to make a little noise of your own to drive the angel and the ghosts away, as you've had enough of the otherworld to last you a lifetime. You turn on the stereo, the television and begin several conversations with yourself and another couple with imaginary friends. You order household items to be delivered and hold lengthy discussions with the delivery persons at the door. You phone public transport bodies and enquire about timetables and fares. You get photos of siblings out, telling them everything about them that you dislike, letting your voice rise to a 'more than somewhat' tone of shrillness. You hail the neighbours through windows and doors, making the kind of fatuous remarks that are written in stone for occasions such as this. 'Looks like rain and I've just put the washing on', 'have you seen my cat?' and the old chestnut 'how are you?', said by one person with no interest in the topic to another with no interest in the topic, unless one of them is having an affair or has contracted a terminal disease.

    In the midst of all this mayhem, initiated of course by ghastly planets farting in nasty aspect, you find you are unexpectedly alone with your thoughts, ghosts and the angel having apparently been banished by this eructation of sound. And, by all that's holy, free at last you launch into a diatribe against all that's holy! Marauding Mars and mischievous Mercury exchange acts of grossness and obscenity with their rude bits and you cry your wrath to Heaven and the egotistical almighty. This latter is a deity that can't be bothered looking after his creations, as he's too busy sitting about being praised by ridiculous angels that can't do wee-wee or have real sex and constantly find fault with everything and everyone except the deity.

    As jolly Jupiter and vamping Venus lay into a little lascivious congress, you decide you will go to university and study agnosticism or atheism. As mischievous Mercury moves forward and a New Moon comes in loathsome Scorpio, your inspiration knows no bounds. You will study the world of godlessness, qualify with honours and write a masterwork discrediting the deity and all he stands for.

    And, as if in answering cry to your fierce determination, the Heavens erupt in boisterous chaos. The great Sol Invicti crashes into silly Sagittarius, with jolly Jupiter following in hot pursuit, his crapulous bulk shaking Heaven and Earth in the wake of his ghastly passage (ugh). It's onward and upward from now on as the great one (Jupiter) sees you entering the halls of ivy to pursue this grand design. Your find yourself dealing with professors and professionals and figures of authority in order to advance your aims. Eek! How nerve-wracking and yet how necessary!

    So, my things of piscatorial splendour! Will you rise above travail and triumph with a masterwork? Will you dash the almighty from his throne with daredevil academic doings? And, more importantly, will you remember what and why you came for once a week has passed? Click next time and see, my fish-faced loonies. In the meantime, hail and farewell!

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