Asperitus Casting Runes...
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Greetings, wretched fish-faces! Are your spirits as wet as usual because of the fact that you're constantly drowning in a limitless sea of secret sorrows? No, there's no need to answer because I know what you will say. I, Asperitus, oracle of bitter truth know that you are the savants of suffering, the tyros of tears and the patriarchs of pain (be you male) or the matriarchs of misery (be you female). I make this alliterative distinction just in case any of you are thinking of beginning some lunatic gender-based litigation against myself. In fact, I never discriminate between male and female. Both are equally irritating to me.
To return to the matter of your wetness, little fish-faces, I know that your friends (drug-dealers, prostitutes, pimps, psychics, artists and the like) carry sponges with them to mop up the tears shed by you on the endless trail of heartache and sorrow that is your life. At this point, I can only say that the scourge of September brings yet another dose of grim and painful reality (the thing you hate the most) to render you lachrymose and perhaps (blessedly for the rest of us) insensate. You may wonder why I write at all if the process brings me no joy and you no comfort. But then, I'm not in the business of writing predictions to guide the lives of the weak-minded idiots who read them. I would write only for the strong who wouldn't be bothered reading this drivel, but I know only too well that there are none and that the entire of humanity is weak-minded, mean-spirited and useless. So, here we are, little fish-faced persons, bound on the wheel! You constantly suffering while I constantly comment upon your sufferings in an irritating fashion. It seems the best arrangement we could come to in the wholly unpalatable drama of existence.
The scourge of September begins with Mercury the messenger moving into your solar eighth house, bringing all kinds of lascivious thoughts and fantasies and a tendency to overspend on a grand scale. In other words, your life won't have noticeably changed. The FULL MOON then comes in your sign, filling your countenance with a ghastly hue, once again, not dissimilar to your normal skin tones. If your servants don't die and leave you a miserable legacy over which your relatives squabble, then it's quite likely that you'll begin the day by feeling wonderful until you fight with someone close to you, after which you'll either sulk or burst into tears.
As Lady Moon begins to wane, the great Sol Invicti wrestles with underworld Pluto and sober Saturn, lord of fateful reward. It's at this point you realize that the armed men wandering around the place are actually your captors of last month and you're a prisoner in your own home. Oh well! Your life's been entirely miserable up to this point anyway so what difference does it actually make? Still, by the time Mercury the messenger in Libra squares giant Jupiter in Cancer on September 8th, the constant nearness of firearms has given you something of a gastric indisposition involving bowel motions on a grand scale. You decide to give these people all the money you have so they'll go away. They do, leaving you bankrupt at the end of yet another dream gone wrong. However, with mighty Mars moving into Capricorn and your solar eleventh house, people from social welfare come around to check on the shelter that you decided to run last month. With giant Jupiter making cosmic mayhem with underworld Pluto and Venus the goddess wrestling with revolutionary Uranus around the middle of the month, they find that you're sufficiently impoverished to become one of your own clients. At this point, they flee back to their offices for a series of meetings that will establish how this can occur and promise to let you know the result within a minimum of six months.
As you sit alone in your domicile (all your friends have left because you're broke), you contemplate the prospect of starvation and a lonely death. This contemplation brings a flood of weeping (an activity you can still afford and enjoy, along with masturbation) which lasts until the NEW MOON comes in Virgo and your solar seventh house on September 17th. Suddenly, an angel of mercy appears before you, a shadowy outline through your veil of tears. You're lifted up by strong but gentle hands and those tears are then wiped away. You're put to bed and ministered to, in every respect. After several days of the most blissful recovery you've ever known (and you've had quite a few incidentally), you realize there is a question nagging at the back of your mind. As the EQUINOX comes on September 22nd, bringing the great Sol Invicti into Libra and your solar eighth house, you begin to wonder who this person is and what they actually want. What could possibly justify this unwarranted (and wholly undeserved) kindness? Only the most insidious of motives no doubt. Click here next month and find out.
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Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes
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