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    Click for Last Month  The Awful Ambiguities of December 2006  Click for Next Month
    Pisces Gadzooks, it's you, ghastly fishy types! I expect you're sitting around, staring at the walls, wondering about the deeper questions of life. Questions such as 'who am I?' and 'why am I here?' will be running through what passes for a mind with you. Doubtless you'll be feeling terribly alone! But you're not alone at all! You see we're all wondering why you're here! We even ran a competition to see who could come up with the best answer to that question but there was a mix up with the medication and no one could remember afterwards who won.

    Anyway, that's enough of that! Now it's time for this! I'm here to disappoint you, a condition you're accustomed to. I can't do prognostications of a vile and bitter kind this month. I'm too tired. I'm too weak. I'm overtaken by creeping ennui and tied up in the complex bindings of its intricate fretwork of futility. Suffice it to say that I can't get out of bed. However, I can psychically commune with an underling (ugh) who will send to you (late as usual) a mild dose of chiding, chortling and chastisement. What this means is that you will get all the same insults without most of the big words and the more frustrating elements of circumlocution. I trust that this tiny token will carry you through the worst of diabolical December to the threshold of 2007 which will, I must say, be ghastly beyond belief or description.

    Thus, I chortle! Dec 5th brings a Full Moon in idiot Gemini so home life will erupt in shenanigans. Emotional scenes may serve to decorate the walls with food or see the telephone hurled in unmannerly fashion. There may even be an attempt to turn your dining room into a garage for a runaway vehicle. Excitable persons in authority may stand screaming in the streets or phone persons with more authority to make a complaint about the awful situation, whatever it is. As Mars barrels belligerently into silly Sagittarius the very next day, an angry male may shout at you because you can't fill out a form or speak a foreign language or stand properly in a queue while waiting for assistance. After that, there's a lot of unspeakable business that I can't be bothered to recount. Suffice it to say that most of it will be unpleasant, bureaucratic and may involve sexual or financial gratuities.

    By the time of the New Moon in the addlepate sign of the Centaur, you will start your own business, leave for another country or join a religious order so you can tell everyone else what to do for a change. As nasty planets fart their way into Capricorn, your elderly friends will come and bore you with descriptions of their bowel or bladder problems or ask if you will use your miraculous healing powers (for free as they're penniless) to fix their bad backs or bunions. This will make Christmas the same excruciating affair that it is each year. You'll spend New Year's Eve staring into the sea or the bottom of a glass and thinking that you must do something about your tragic life. Of course you won't! Ave, little tiddlers in the stream of life!

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