Hola to you, wittering fishy types! Last time we left, authoritative persons were shouting at you while helpless persons were exploiting you for your miraculous healing powers. You were distracted and disturbed as you attended to the bladders, bowels and bunions of a succession of elderly folk that saw you as their last resort, a tragic epitaph for a society that clearly has no hope for the future. But that was last year and we cannot lounge about dwelling on the past in the accustomed tragic, tear-stained manner! Odds bodkins, we cannot! Nay, little fishes! Nay!
Thus, darling piscatorials, it is at last your turn for a dose of the vile and bitter prognostications for jittery January. Despite the month being all but gone, I have saved the best wine for last, as is my custom, if for no other reason than to honour one of your more troublesome personal habits. Just so there will be no confusion about the month's events, I shall now recap for you everything that has occurred since the old year turned. I shall also put it in the past tense so the awkward anxieties you experience as to whether something has happened, is happening or is about to happen may be allayed, at least for the moment.
And, on that note, the month began as jolly Jupiter invaded the private parts of cranky Chiron. Thus, you were threatened with legal assailment as odious and nasty persons demanded that you make decisions, show some vestige of authority or take up a proper profession, one that involved you standing on your own two feet instead of flailing about with your figurative fins.
Ugh! There's little to recommend that lot, I can tell you. After that, the Full Moon gazed with nasty luminous shining on a naughty world and you indulged in all manner of fleshly and liquid delights, ending the night on Oblivion Avenue, having done a great many things that you either could not remember or would prefer to forget. Vamping Venus sidled into the sign of idiot Aquarius and your solar twelfth house (suffering alert! suffering alert!) and you lay about the place, drinking yourself into a maudlin state over past relationships or lost loves and refusing to socialize, earning the undying gratitude of all those that know you well. Mischievous Mercury consorted in a lewd and unmannerly fashion with the great Sol Invicti and several friends rang you up, asking you to join in with their efforts on saving endangered species, including several kinds of chinchilla rat, several variously coloured warblers and the hairy acacia.
However, as you used to have nightmares about being chased by hairy trees, you slammed down the phone, poured another drink and began talking to an imaginary friend as you thought (correctly) that your 'real' friends don't understand you. The only error you made was in believing that you had any 'real' friends in the first place. Vamping Venus and cranky Chiron then hotted up proceedings by committing disgusting and licentious acts, and so did you and your imaginary friend. Whatever accusations the world may level at you, tiny numbskulls, it won't be that you showed lack of imagination with your fears or fantasies. Eek!
We had best pass from there with no further description or the use of the little brown bottle may become essential, thereby putting an end to further descriptions. Suffice it to say that, as marauding Mars inserts his rude bit into the underworld of dark Pluto, the wildest dreams you've ever had about being possessed by a powerful figure in authority were easily surpassed. As mischievous Mercury jerked his way nervously into idiot Aquarius, you began to talking to yourself about your imaginary friend whilst talking to your imaginary friend as well, leaving you free to occupy your favourite position, that of being 'beside yourself'. Marauding Mars then barrelled his belligerent way into the gloomy sign of the Goat and you boiled with righteous anger.
Ye gods and little fishes, you were simmering, my tiny ning nongs! You suddenly saw that if you had been allowed to keep the imaginary friends of childhood, life would have been so different. Instead of having these friendly fictions banished by nasty parents that made you dress yourself, sweep the floor and do the other boring, meaningless tasks to ground you in the grim reality of life, you would have been happy with people (imaginary, of course) that appreciated you and loved you and listened to your wittering and moaning. Egad!
Do you realize what this means, my little loonies? Yours would have been a life without suffering, quite unlike the life you've had. How unjust and how grossly unfair! Something should be done and you're just the piscine type to do it! You will notice that, at this point, we are up to date, having moved from a recap of the past to prognostications for the future.
The New Moon comes in the odious sign of the Hircine (the goat) and you decide you will start a movement to SAVE THE IMAGINARY FRIEND. Across the world will you urge the lost, the broken, the insane and the merely somewhat dysfunctional (a wide net really) to put aside the prohibitions of grim reality and speak once more with the imaginary friends of their childhood. However, as the great Sol Invicti then lurches into idiot Aquarius, you sit about, wondering what you actually have to do to set this all in motion. Not always a strength!
But what's this? Great gods alive and dead! Jolly Jupiter impales Uranus, the idiot god, on the prong of his trident and you see the light. You will ask your imaginary friend what to do! Hola, brave Pisces! Yet what's this? Inspiration strikes not once but twice! For that will be not only the solution to your problem but also will it be the catchphrase for your new movement. ASK YOUR IMAGINARY FRIEND! It will be on busses, cigarette packets, T-shirts and even U-tube. Ask your imaginary friend will be the coin that anyone can spend. But will it cost you your last dollar or make you many more? Click here next time and see. Ave atque vale, fishy types!