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    Click for Last Month  The Jaded Japes of May 2008  Click for Next Month
    Pisces Salutations, my snivelling fish-faces! Welcome to the month of manic May and prepare yourselves to receive the vile and bitter prognostications that pertain thereto. Tremble in your baby bootees as you drink from the dread cup, given by me, Asperitus, the obfuscating oracle! Woe, woe, woe and woe again!

    You may conclude from this that a deal of woe is coming, but trouble not Heaven with your bootless cries for no ear will hear the weeping of fishes (due to them being underwater and such). Let us waste no more time on pleasantries but instead prognosticate with no delay. Mischievous Mercury rolls into nitwit Gemini, groping the aging bones of grim Saturn. Thus does an elderly associate impose on you by moving into your domicile yet offers nought but criticism, discourtesy and discontent with the surrounds. The irritating creature demands a new colour scheme in the boudoir, a cleaning roster with only your name upon it and even has the cheek to insist that all the clocks in the house be set to the right time. Eek!

    As sober Saturn moves forward, it seems as if this creature is in charge while you're reduced to menial status. Then a New Moon comes in cloddish Taurus, and you wander the streets to get away from the institution your home has become. As narcotic Neptune gropes the Loony Nodes, you take drugs, talk to addicts and eccentrics and fantasize about living on another world. You try to visit friends to see if you can stay with them but, as jolly Jupiter moves into perverse reverse, both of them are away or not answering their doors. Marauding Mars barrels belligerently into lackwit Leo and you decide to get a job. Once there, you have sex with one co-worker and fight with another. You also steal a lot of bright shiny things (especially the gold stuff) and finally get the sack.

    The Full Moon comes in evil Scorpio and you wonder if you could join a monastery in the mountains and become enlightened. However, you decide to have a Chinese meal instead, as it doesn't cost nearly as much as an airfare. The great Sol Invicti rolls and crashes drunkenly into Gemini and you muster your courage, go back home and tell the miserable old creature to go.

    To your utter amazement, this tactic works but then you get lonely, sitting in the house by yourself. As mischievous Mercury clashes with Uranus, the idiot god, you get really excited for a moment and start talking to yourself. But, as the busy messenger then moves to perverse reverse, you get bored and fall silent. We leave you sitting alone, wondering why your life is like it is. Heaven knows, my little fishy types! Heaven knows! Toodle pip!



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