Asperitus Casting Runes...
What ho and what next, little ersatz cowpersons! Will your cursed good fortune never desert you? We shall see! Perhaps the insane gods of a benighted universe will yet have the last laugh as you clatter and bang, talking all the while, down the twisted pathways of your ridiculous lives!
Speaking of which, how is everything in the world of deep sea diving, the recently acquired skill that has brought you back into the domain of fame, good fortune and prospects for the future? You sank to the depths only to rise to the heights while mighty Mars was in Pisces and your solar fourth house. Now that the fiery warrior is in his own martial sign of Aries, will you still want to hit the drink? Please note that this is a metaphor for the ocean, rather than a reference to your mythic association with alcoholic beverages. The centaurs of legend used to get drunk, thrash everything smaller and weaker, have their wicked way with everything that moved and then collapse insensate to the ground only to rise again later and repeat the dose. Such actions were of course punctuated with incredibly tedious bouts of bragging about what wonderful creatures they were.
If all of this seems like a jolly life (given you've had a moral bypass and possess no conscience) then I expect there may be some truth to the art of astrology. To return to my point, if the lure of the sea has changed with the Martian succession, the lure of gold (the solar fifth house wherein mighty Mars in Aries reveals his rambunctious self) remains as strong as ever. In fact, as you set sail for far climes in search of the precious yellow metal, you come to an important decision. Since your own impoverished background was such a source of pain to you, you decide that would be entirely justifiable to snatch the wealth of the wealthy if you can't find any treasure under the sea. In fact, why not short circuit the process! Forget the diving! Just rob the banks and counting houses of the world and sail away with a fortune like some oceanic Robin Hood?
This extraordinary thinking may be put down to the presence of nebulous Neptune in your solar third house and Mercury the messenger's retrograde motion back into Capricorn and your solar second house. Or, it may simply be that the stories about you are true. Personally, I have no interest either way. However, little centaur twits, nothing in your life ever goes quite as you plan it and this current jaunt is no exception. After stopping at some tiny little port in one of those godforsaken tropical paradises that people of your odious sign seem to love, you have a chance meeting. As Venus the goddess conjoins with revolutionary Uranus in Aquarius and your solar third house, you meet a long lost sibling in a seedy bar in the said tropical paradise. As you're chatting over old times and whiling away the hours and days, urgent communications and messages come from your nearest and dearest back aboard the ship. She/he wants you to stop drinking, come away from the bar and get on with things. Such expressions of undying love are a familiar part of the vocabulary of love you're used to. But, unwilling to leave (you hate orders) and in an inebriated state, you inadvertently reveal the status of your wealth to the recently rediscovered relative. She/he asks if you're good for a loan.
You, full of your usual largesse (and alcohol), offer a partnership in your piratical plans as the NEW MOON comes in Aquarius, conjoining with revolutionary Uranus. With Venus the goddess now in Pisces and Mercury the messenger back in Aquarius, you're bosom buddies and off to sea, lusting for gold and adventure like the buccaneers of old. However, as Venus the goddess squares sober Saturn, your newfound relative and the current love of your life take to one another as a cannibals take to vegetarians (with sharp implements and bloodthirsty cries, if you're interested). Ties of blood prove initially to be stronger than the call of the loins. With the great Sol Invicti in Pisces and giant Jupiter testing Mercury, there are plots, secrets and the mournful looks of tragic love as you drift apart from your partner. Then, as Mercury conjoins with mystic Neptune, your sibling suggests a cunning plan. Why not hurl the lover overboard and split the gold just two ways? In fact, it's not all that cunning unless we take your natural intelligence into account. As Venus the goddess wrestles with underworld Pluto, you feel obsessively drawn down this dark path. However, as sober Saturn squares the great Sol Invicti, you feel the pull of responsibility drawing you back into the light of reason (not a place you ever stay for long).
Come the FULL MOON in Virgo and your solar tenth house, you are torn between the call of right conduct and the conniving and secret dealings of the sneaky family plot. What will you do, little cowperson nitwits? Kill the lover, betray the secret sibling plot or jump overboard at the next seedy tropical island and get drunk? Click here next month and see!
NB In case you were wondering what happened to your tip for 2002, I have to say that I completely forgot to give you one. But, bearing in mind the proper process implied by the absolute equality of all irritations, I will pass on to you that giant Jupiter (your ruler) moves into Leo and your solar ninth house in August. Thus, you will become a religious zealot, an actor in some foreign country or join either the navy or the air force whereupon the vessel in which you travel will be destroyed by fire as you attempt to enforce the bigoted opinions of a large country upon some smaller one.
Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes