Asperitus Casting Runes...
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Dear little idiot centaurs! Greetings to you for the miserable month of March! I almost wondered how you were a little while ago, but then I simply increased my prescription strength. In no time at all, these fatuous concerns passed from my mind as the drip was reconnected (this is not, by the way, a reference to any person of the Piscean persuasion in case you're wondering). Now, as to the matter of your absurd and largely meaningless lives, I can only say that I earnestly lament my obsessive desire to comment upon them yet I still find myself a slave to these ignominious urges. Steel yourselves, little four-legged wretches, for I hereby make my vile and bitter prognostications.
We left you last month wrestling with your conscience (such as it is) in regards to a decision as to whether to murder your partner and thereby benefit a relative or vice-versa. If you're finding this decision difficult to make we could perhaps conduct an email poll to canvas the opinions of the general public. However, I fear the responses would largely run to a suggestion such as the one I'm flirting with myself, i.e. that you broaden the scope of this proposition to include the removal of yourself and your entire family unto the seventh generation. Such a tactic would clear the way for a petition to the heavenly council to have your odious sign expelled from the Zodiac. Ah, sweet dreams! Entranced as I am by such a prospect, I nonetheless return to the ceaseless flow of drivel I have been writing on your behalf for some time.
As the month begins, mighty Mars moves into Taurus and your solar sixth house while giant Jupiter moves forward once again in your solar eighth house. A raging fever grips you instantly and you leap from your ship in delirium, with all plans of murder, familial or otherwise, now expunged from your mind by the fires of sickness. You swim (feverishly of course) to the nearest island. There you come ashore in a state of semi-consciousness, to be rescued by a mystical order of religious persons who run a mortuary and 'reincarnation training' institution in this remote corner of the world. After a severe crisis, they nurse you back to health whereupon you begin affairs with several of these individuals, as they have (fortunately) taken no vow of chastity. Of course this all takes place under the influence of a raft of astrological aspects too tedious to recount. As Mercury the messenger then moves into dreary Pisces after conjoining with revolutionary Uranus, you decide to enter this order as a novice. Venus the goddess squaring giant Jupiter finds you learning the many mysterious uses of embalming fluid.
The NEW MOON in Pisces and your solar fourth sees you settling in on your new island home. But what's this? Mighty Mars makes tension with Neptune, bringing a return of your previous febrile condition. You fall into sacred transport, in this instance the bus belonging to the mystical order, and head off to town where, with the great Sol Invicti in Aries and your solar fifth house, you indulge your passion for gambling. Once again your luck is in and you find yourself richer at each roll of the dice. But, as Mercury the messenger wrestles with underworld Pluto, the sibling you deserted in delirium turns up at this island casino to ask you how you want to dispose of your lover's body (draw the obvious conclusion here) and if there's a share of the winnings on offer. Ye gods, little centaurs! This is outrageous.
At the FULL MOON in Libra and your solar eleventh house, you immediately rush back to the monastery (with the sibling in pursuit) to seek the advice of the Mother Superior. As Mercury moves into Aries and your sibling rages in the corridors of holiness, this godly personage suggests that it's just as easy to dispose of two bodies as it is one when you run a mortuary. And, in case you're at all interested, there's room for investment in one of the order's building developments if you're wondering what to do with your fortune. Great Heavens, little centaurs! What do you think? Click here next month and I'll tell you.
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Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes
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