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    Go Back  The Oracle of Bitter Truth for April 2002    Go Forward
    Greetings, little centaur atrocities! Never were creatures more suited to the celebration of April Fool's Day than your idiotic selves! Thus I commend you to the process and much good may you have of it. However, I can't dilly dally, congratulating you on the imbecile nature for which your sign is legend! I have no time for such things, even though it is worth noting that you creatures are inextricably associated with religion and the military, and two greater expressions of imbecile endeavour one could not hope to encounter in this benighted universe ruled by insane gods. Let us dispense with the gristle of further niceties and get right to the meat of the vile and bitter prognostications for the month of awful April.

    Though giant Jupiter's cosmic wrestling match with Chiron the wounded healer makes the disposal of bodies and the inception of joint financial ventures appealing in a 'more than somewhat' manner, there are other considerations to be taken into account. First, there is the passing of the great Sol Invicti and Mercury the messenger through Aries and your solar fifth house, in tension with the aforementioned twosome. Thus you will feel like gambling, seeking sexual pleasure and talking a lot (when do you not with this last) rather meeting the gloomy demands imposed by your solar eighth house. Then, of course, there's the matter of Venus the goddess and her move into Taurus and your solar sixth house, bringing on a kidney or throat condition through over-indulgence and causing you to fall desperately in love with one of your fellow mortuary workers. There's also the matter of the sibling who murdered your lover and her/his unreasonable demands for a share of your gambling spoils. And, lastly, there's the matter of how long we can go on with such drivel as this, me writing it and you reading it.

    As the great Sol Invicti conjoins with Mercury the messenger, you decide to leave this island home and make a bid for freedom. You give a generous share of the wealth to the sibling and bid her/him depart forthwith. As Venus the goddess squares mystic Neptune, you feign illness and ask the Mother Superior to dispose of your dead lover's body, promising to invest a fortune in one of the order's building developments. This, of course, is a slight exaggeration. In fact, it's an outright lie. As mighty Mars squares revolutionary Uranus, you secretly prepare an explosive mixed from embalming fluid and blow your place of work to smithereens. You then purloin a car and drive to the wharf where you make off on a boat you purchase there and then. Little do you know it, miserable centaur twits, but it is dangerous to wrong the persons of this ancient esoteric order, as you will discover to your cost later on! But you suspect nothing of this now. In the meantime, you're off on the high seas to live the high life with no clouds of doubt in your mind to shadow the bright sun of your thoughts.

    NEW MOON in Aries and your solar fifth house finds you in a casino on an island paradise somewhere, determined to throw over all pretense of the work ethic and become a professional gambler. Mercury the messenger moves into Taurus and your solar sixth house and you're lounging around the casino with a notebook, calculating the wheel bias on the roulette table and the probability ratios for the fall of cards and dice. Legend has it you're academically gifted, but then legend also said that the sun went around the earth.

    Mighty Mars moves into Gemini and your solar seventh house and you begin a sexual relationship with a journalist who has a lung condition so you can have a partner to work with in the great gambling coup you're about to pull and sell the story to the press afterwards. However, the two of you disagree about almost everything and thus spend a lot of time arguing, but that's what you tend to do with those you're close to anyway, whether you're having sex with them or not.

    Mercury the messenger then squares mystic Neptune and you get all of your calculations wrong without realizing it. Thus you launch ahead, blissfully unaware of your impending doom. Lady Moon conjoins with giant Jupiter while opposing Chiron and you start losing heavily. Great Heavens, centaur idiots! This is a turn up! You never realized you could lose while gambling! In fact, you now discover that you can lose more easily and more often than you win, as many imbeciles who have gone this road before you will readily attest to. In fact, you lose everything, and as Venus the goddess squares revolutionary Uranus while the great Sol Invicti moves through Taurus, you find yourself working as a cleaner in the casino with scant hope of recouping your losses on the money you're receiving. However, as the goddess then moves into Gemini and your solar seventh house, you fall in love with a receptionist there (the journalist having left when you lost all your money).

    Come the
    FULL MOON in Scorpio and your solar twelfth house, you and your new love are secretly plotting to steal your money back from the casino. After all, they obtained it unfairly, didn't they? They wouldn't let you win, not once! As Mercury the messenger squares revolutionary Uranus and then moves into Gemini, you hatch your ingenious plans! Click here next moth to find out what they will be.

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    Aries, the Ram

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    Gemini, the Twins

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    Cancer, the Crab

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    Capricorn, the Sea Goat

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    Aquarius, the Water Bearer

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    Pisces, the Fishes

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