Asperitus Casting Runes...
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Greetings, O centaurs! Salutations to the outrageous addlepates of the unspeakable Zodiac wheel. Let us not waste time with April Fool's nonsense or other such merry japes! Let us get down to the business of the vile and bitter prognostications for the month of awful April!
We left you last month hoping for a slice of luck to get you out of yet another of the scrapes your odious sign specializes in creating. And so it shall be, little centaur atrocities! You will escape by the skin of your teeth and by virtue of the awful drivel that I write. A New Moon in the appalling sign of Aries presages the conjunction of mighty Mars and cranky Chiron in Capricorn and your solar second house while giant Jupiter rolls forward in the nasty sign of Leo.
All this tedious cosmic bumping and grinding reveals to those who know (myself, the master) that one of your awful songs, sent to an obscure music publisher in Japan will lead to unparalleled success. Yes, little centaurs! Your idiotic musings are set to become the heart of the most popular karaoke song from Seoul to Tokyo. Eastern folk will speak your name in tones of awe and pay hairdressers exorbitant amounts to have their locks styled (if style it can be called) in imitation of your own. As mid April comes, you'll find yourself living in a mansion with work aplenty, all by courtesy of a raft of astrological aspects too tedious to name.
The Full Moon comes in Libra and your solar eleventh house, bringing you friends by the gross, all as willing as you to spend your money in wasteful extravagance. Mighty Mars moves into Aquarius and your solar third house and you purchase a powerful new motor vehicle with an awful two-tone colour scheme. Venus the goddess moves into Aries and you're seen in every casino and at every racetrack with an endless round of fetching and passionate companions.
But what's this, you wretched little cowpersons! Great heavens, it cannot be! Mercury the messenger turns retrograde in Taurus and your solar sixth house and it turns out that this is an April Fool's Day joke after all! Mine! On you! And your horrid little lives are just continuing on in their horrid little fashion with no change or relief at all. Oh well! Never mind! I suppose your luck's run out. If I can find anyone who cares here in Heaven, I shall certainly notify you. See you next month!
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Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes
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