Asperitus Casting Runes...
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Greetings, dribbling centaur folk! Let us give a rousing cheer as we witness your sorry state! There you are in a refuge for disabled dock-workers, surrounded by the tragic quondam servants of a once great maritime empire. You have neither money nor friends nor prospects, and are sustained only by the interminable witless optimism that is the certifiable condition native to your sign. And, as if that isn't enough, you are now doomed to read my vile and bitter prognostications for the month of jaundiced June. Could your lives be subject to further farcical distresses? We can only hope so!
Giant Jupiter and nasty Neptune (we can't call him 'mystic' anymore! He's too deceitful) clash in the Heavens and you receive good news (dammit! I knew something would go wrong!), news indeed from a legal source. Great gods, little centaur twits! What's happened? Why, sober Saturn, lord of fateful reward has moved into Cancer and your solar eighth house of death, legacies and inheritance. An ancient and odious elderly relative has died and you are the sole heir to his ill-gotten gains, the only kind you value really. For, if you're not out saving the rain forest or declaring war on underdeveloped countries, then you're gambling away your partner's money or drinking the bar dry on someone else's tab.
However, all that's as may be and we still have your irritating fate to pursue, so let us do so! Suffice it to say a raft of idiotic aspects too tedious to enumerate between odious planets too tiresome to name sees you about to plunge into the midst of a tiny European principality. There you will inherit vast estates and a fortune even you may not be able to spend in a lifetime. How the condition of things will change and change again, despite the fact that the imbecilic human race does nothing whatsoever to merit the continuation of its existence.
Such is the nature of this benighted world ruled by insane gods! Mighty Mars clashes with the Lunar Nodes and enters the sign of Pisces and your solar fourth house. Thus you break with daily routine and bid farewell to those even remotely interested in what happens to you. Actually this is only the dock-workers from the shelter with whom you share a tearful and inebriated farewell.
The great Sol Invicti moves into Cancer at the Solstice while Mercury the messenger and then Venus the goddess clash with underworld Pluto. You arrive at midnight on the new estate to be greeted by the twin brothers who've been running the place since the fateful moment of your relative's decease. These are a surly and sullen pair, one a bad-tempered surgeon, the other a blacksmith with an opium habit. It might have been better the other way round, but life never dishes up perfection, does it, little centaur twits! As you tour the castle that is now home, you discover kegs of gunpowder and ancient firearms in the cellar, though no one will disclose their purpose. The servants are an uncommunicative lot, largely because they speak a language you can't understand. All they do is hiss and drool when you speak to them in your native tongue and then mutter among themselves.
As the New Moon comes in Cancer, you make the most disturbing discovery of all. Hidden away in the deepest darkest recesses of the dungeons, you find an open coffin. In it lies the body of your deceased relative, looking rather pale but not at all deteriorated. Great gods alive and dead, little drooling nitwits! What on earth does this mean? Click here next month and see!
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Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes
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