Gadzooks, my tiny nitwits! It's time to address you on the matter of your future in the coming year! As you have selfishly claimed a surfeit of ghastly planets for your own consumption, you will begin the year like a veritable firework with showers of incandescence shooting skywards to burn out all too soon. Marauding Mars in your sign will make you explosive, irritable and sexually rambunctious. As Uranus, the idiot god, in your solar fourth house is locked in a cosmic tussle with Mars, you will fight with family, break things in the bathroom and slam every door and cupboard you touch. Mischievous Mercury conjoins with vamping Venus and the dark lord, underworld Pluto in your sign so you will talk incessantly, fall in and out of love, argue over money and become obsessed with the drama of your personal life. You had better notify those around you of the events to come, otherwise they may not be able to detect the difference between this and your normal behaviour. Oh, I almost forgot! As cranky Chiron enters Aquarius, you may talk in an eccentric manner, develop a twitch, perform saltatious movements as you travel, enter therapy with your siblings or steal fruit from your neighbours' yards.
THE JAPES OF JOLLY JUPITER: As the jolly giant begins the year in Libra, you will have a multitude of friends to whom you will constantly talk about everything you're going to do when you grow up. I think it's important to have a 'long term' plan, don't you! You will discuss law, politics and religion and pretend to see other people's points of view. You will learn interesting foreign phrases and say them aloud at parties in order to make sexual advances or borrow money. You will live the high life. You may become an evangelist or spiritual teacher and indulge in the fantasy that everyone likes and respects you. When Jupiter moves to morbid Scorpio and your solar twelfth house, you may decide to give up your life as an imaginary success and retire to a monastery in Syria or Uruguay or Halifax where you will become a serious student of the spiritual path. Either that or you will join a secret cult whose members engage in gruesome sexual practices with catmint cigarettes and rhododendrons. You may develop a fixation with your anus or move to New Orleans, become a jazz musician and write a popular song called EMPTY VESSELS MAKE THE LOUDEST NOISE. In the end this will be the title of your autobiography.
THE SOBRIETY OF SATURN: With the lugubrious one in Cancer as the year begins, you will be obsessed by money, go deeply into debt (more than usual) or have a sexual liaison with an elderly or depressed person. I trust this will not be a member of your immediate family but I can't guarantee it. As Saturn then moves to Leo and your solar ninth house, you will travel to Rome or Damascus or Bristol where you will study comparative religions while living on salads made from marigold, sunflower seeds and walnuts. You will become incredibly dull and talk about god a lot. You may even get an award of some kind from an elderly general living in retirement in a foreign land. You will write a book about back pain.