By the saviour's sacred wounds, my tiny capering Hottentots, it's you in all your glory, wearing a vast array of garish hues and holding forth with all the strong opinions that have superseded intelligent thought in your appalling quadruped species! Have you come to read of your grim and ghastly future? If so, read on. If not, I give not a fig for your disinclinations, so there! I shall prognosticate anyway!
As dark Pluto in hideous Capricorn clashes with sober Saturn in loathsome Libra, the friends (snigger) you've borrowed or stolen from in times past now demand a restoration of their funds, hiring hitmen or obtaining legal services to expedite the demands. After a nasty incident in the street involving fisticuffs with a troupe of Italian ballet-dancers (marauding Mars in reverse in lackwit Leo), you decide to effect a remedy for your fiscal ills. Thus, you take in overseas students or turn your home into a religious hostel to make ends meet, also feigning foreign roots yourself when the debt-collectors knock.
This is due to jolly Jupiter entering your solar fourth house in jittery January 2010. You have a bizarre sexual encounter in a car park in fractured February and, as the snivelling sign of Pisces is from there involved, you will deal in drugs, drink heavily and watch endless old sci-fi movies, including Star Trek, Forbidden Planet (Walter Pidgeon looks like your father) and Space Family Robinson. Despite those who care for you (both of them) crying 'warning, warning', you drive this ruinous road of hostel fakery until grim Saturn reverses into anal Virgo in awful April and swarms of carping authorities arrive to check the standards of safety (eek), education (ugh) and character (aargh) you maintain.
Needless to say that, despite an endless supply of CDs from the world music collection and a cupboard full of soy sauce and Asian noodles, you fail on all counts, though it's perhaps the old criminal record and the encyclopaedia's weight of unpaid parking fines that count against you most. After a period of incarceration and a number of troubles with health and employment, the merry month of May brings Uranus, the idiot god, into addlepate Aries so you decide to found a revolutionary group and smash the state, set to declare yourself the reigning 'monarch' as the last bastion of conservative rule falls to your fiery assail.
I think I shall rest now, as I'm feeling quite unwell. If you have further questions on your future, kindly email someone you mistakenly believe may be interested. Ave!