Asperitus Casting Runes...
Tally ho and yoicks, little centaur galoots! Welcome to the month of morbid March. The vile and bitter prognostications await you as per usual. Last month, we left you wheeling and dealing like an odious Scorpion or a wretched fish-face (Pisces) trying to get your hands on the funds of an elderly dead person. Naturally, this is all to do with lugubrious Saturn, as anything bad and tragic generally is, unless of course it's jolly Jupiter or idiot Uranus, nasty Neptune or underworld Pluto or in fact anything at all that wheels through the cosmos of this benighted universe ruled by insane gods.
Anyway, to return to the tale, miserable Saturn is in the sign of Cancer and your solar eighth house where inheritances, embezzlement, sex, betrayal and death lurk in an underworld fashion. Perhaps you'll meet more of these charming characters as the vile and bitters unfold. As the month begins, the great Sol Invicti cavorts in unseemly fashion with mischievous Mercury and jolly Jupiter and you wind yourself into the skeins of deception as you try to take on the identity of a dead man in order to gain access to his wealth.
Vamping Venus enters cloddish Taurus and you go about the business of establishing your pseudonym in a quiet and uncharacteristically methodical manner. Come a Full Moon in unspeakable Virgo, you take this cunning ruse for a test drive in the real world, but an unfortunate encounter with a shrewish woman in the grocery trade sends you racing to the shelter of your manse with sweat on your brow.
Mischievous Mercury clashes with underworld Pluto and miserable Saturn moves forward and you attempt a simple banking transaction online to see if you can begin moving the funds you want.
Success! As Mercury then moves to arrogant Aries while the great Sol Invicti clashes with the underworld god, you race about the house shrieking your joy in a girlish manner and try moving more money. This works too! Your girlish joy is unbounded. The Equinox brings a New Moon in odious Aries and you embark on a life of pleasure and spending. Marauding Mars enters nitwit Gemini and your solar seventh house and you take a lover, a contortionist who's also a bad-tempered bisexual.
The great Sol Invicti wrestles with miserable Saturn and you're spending nearly as much as you're embezzling, if not a little bit more. But what's this? By my little brown bottle, it seems there's trouble, not on the horizon but in your very bedroom. For there you are, little centaur addlepates! Contorting with your new lover for all you're worth when who should walk in but your employer. Marauding Mars clashes with idiot Uranus and a firearm is produced!
What's going on, little imbeciles? You've been caught with your pants down! Is this an invitation to plumb the depths of the eighth house of betrayal, sex and death in that order? Click here next month and see!