Salutations, centaur ninnies! Last time we left you, you had a narrow escape from punitive litigation and were madly in love with a lawyer. Wealthy by a stroke of fortune due to inheritance, you are now rich beyond your wildest dreams, though who knows how wild your dreams really are. Your therapist, perhaps?
Anyway, enough of that! Let us enter the realm of heartache and sorrow as we essay a path through the vile and bitter prognostications for joyless July. You throw yourself at the feet of this latest object of your affections, pledging undying love. However, you’re rejected out of hand, due to a predictable path of conflicting interests that would lead from a momentary happiness to a miserable future. You’re also too loud, too stupid and too self-interested, according to the more personal part of the assessment. This lawyer is a student of astrology methinks!
Thus, come a Full Moon in loathsome Capricorn, you throw all thought of love aside and turn attention to making the money you have into more money. Marauding Mars clashes with idiot Uranus and you meet with mysterious and ill-tempered foreigners to make secret deals and take to playing obscure sports in your home. The great Sol Invicti conjoins with miserable Saturn and you have endless meetings with depressing elderly persons involved with the world of finance and money.
Mischievous Mercury and marauding Mars wrestle with the Lunar Nodes and your meetings with foreign folk weave a web of intrigue about forbidden or illicit trade, involving plastic weapons, occult formulae and several varieties of domesticated rat. But it’s coin in the coffers for you, addlepate quadrupeds!
All of this comes about because a Grand Cross, involving the wretched and misbegotten twelfth house, is at work in your chart. Blame the Heavens! Blame the insane gods! Blame the benighted universe for the ill fate that is about to fall upon your tiny misshapen heads! Failing that, simply abuse the next wretched creature born under the sign of Pisces that you meet. It is they and they alone who are to blame for the miseries of the twelfth house!
However, come a New Moon in neurotic Cancer, you find that, to go ahead with this most profitable deal, you must sign a contract in blood in the presence of the selfsame masked and mysterious foreign folk. You do so, with a laugh to conceal the pain, your usual strategy in such situations. But then, little churlish galoots, all hell breaks loose as ghastly planets froth and foam in the boiling cauldron of lunacy that is this benighted universe ruled by insane gods. The masked ones leap to their collective feet and tear away their disguises! ‘Corinth for the Corinthians!’ they cry as vamping Venus clashes with jolly Jupiter. They flash plastic swords and wave scarlet cloaks, a pet rat on each committed shoulder, for the true born Corinthian venerates the rat! Great gods alive and dead, you’ve become involved with a fundamentalist movement.
The great Sol Invicti enters loathsome Leo! Vamping Venus wrestles with underworld Pluto! Mischievous Mercury enters nitwit Virgo and these patriots urge you to join their ranks, knowing as they do something of your eccentric political interests.
And what’s this? A Full Moon comes in idiot Aquarius (a blue moon in fact) and you leap to your feet and join them, singing the praises of Corinth as if you’re native born, all the time wondering where Corinth actually is? Will you buy a map and find out? Will you go further down the path of rampant fundamentalism and have a rat of your very own? Oh gods, I think I need my medication now! I’m feeling somewhat poorly! Click here next month. If I’m well enough to write, more of this drivel will await you!