Hola, my little addlepates! And salutations to Corinth and all its sons and daughters and their rats! Last time we left you, you were the hero of the day, a citizen of Corinth, second in command of said city's People's Front and honorary leader of the Popular Front of Corinth. You had raided an Athenian wine shop as part of a campaign of Corinthian revenge for the Peloponnesian Wars. You were involved in a bid to restore Artemis to her rightful place of worship. And, you had a pivotal role in the return to the dastardly Roman Church of Paul's epistles to the Corinthians, due to their utter neglect of Artemis and their tendency towards tedious moralizing.
On the negative side of the ledger, you had spent a lot of money, fallen under the sway of Bacchus (a weakness inherent in your sign due to jolly Jupiter being a drunk) and had had a disturbing dream. On the whole, the lord of fortune favours your endeavours. Will it last, my little nitwit quadrupeds? Well, why not consult the vile and bitter prognostications for savage September and find out.
You awaken somewhat the worse for wear. And, with mischievous Mercury still retrograde in Leo and your solar ninth house, you're unsure for a moment of where you are or which language you're meant to be speaking. However, as Mercury moves forward again, you begin to witter on in that garrulous manner for which your sign is so justly and witlessly famous. Then, vamping Venus enters Leo and a passionate dark-eyed person of Corinth enters your chamber, begging to serve every need a hero such as you may have. The basic Corinthian you recall gets you through the 'oohs' and 'aahs' of the subsequent Mediterranean encounter. But for leaders such as you, life may not be all concupiscent contortions! No! Duty calls you from the tangle of sheets and limbs.
But, great gods alive and dead, what's this? Why, it's trouble brewing! Marauding Mars is set to grapple with underworld Pluto and the Corinthian People's Front calls you to a council of war. It's been decided you will invade Persia! There you will raid a slipper shop and steal a load of those nasty little bells they put on the ends of their footwear. These will then be melted down into manacles in which you will bring back your captives. This incursion will, of course, be to redress past wrongs (typically) and because it's the done thing these days (invading countries in that region).
However, mischievous Mercury moves back to Virgo, ready to clash again with idiot Uranus and there's an unexpected snag. Members of the Popular Front of Corinth object to the attack on Persia, due to a distant bloodline connection that can be traced to the fourth century BC. A raft of ghastly planets fart in the cosmic winds and the New Moon comes in anal Virgo and a sectarian split threads its way through your adopted city and her people. Streets and alleyways are filled with murmuring discontent and the threatening note of riot. In the manner of insurgent bands from time immemorial, grievances against the foreigner are put aside so the local feud can be fought to the death. Knives are sharpened. Guns are loaded. Vamping Venus clashes with nasty Neptune and hard liquor is drunk while spy and counter spy flit from one group to another in a desperate attempt to unravel the plans each one has laid for a showdown.
You're in your element here, little addlepates. You stride about the place, issuing instructions to all and sundry on matters about which you know next to nothing. You brag and boast about famous victories of the past from which you were entirely absent. You piffle on endlessly about ideals, declaiming in the fatuous manner for which your nitwit sign is legend. The gears of Heaven grind! The wheels of Heaven turn! The great Sol Invicti crashes mindlessly into odious Libra, visiting the annual horror of the Equinox upon a benighted world. Jolly Jupiter follows on behind! So too does marauding Mars and the appointed day for the showdown is set.
The Corinthian People's Front and the Popular Front of Corinth will meet in battle to decide who best shall fight for Corinthian liberation. Voices raise the respective war cries as the crowd swirls around you. Mischievous Mercury clashes with underworld Pluto and nasty jibes about body odour, personal appearance and sexual habits with animals are thrown about the market square with wild abandon. The Heavens are rent with shouting as the Full Moon comes in arrogant Aries. Then mischievous Mercury enters nitwit Libra and a genuine thought finally enters your brain.
Yes, my little addlepates! You suddenly see it! And, by my little brown bottle, it brings a rather liquid feeling to your bowels. The Corinthian People's Front is to fight the Popular Front of Corinth. You're a leader in both of these scrofulous masses of revolutionary fervour! To fulfill your national duty to your newfound state of Corinth, you're going to have to fight yourself! Great gods alive and dead, what will you do?
As I'm lapsing into unconsciousness brought about by excruciating boredom, I'll have to stop. Click here next month and, should I happen to awaken in the intervene, I may write some more of this unmitigated drivel. Until then! Ta! Ta!