Hooray to you, nitwit nonentities! Last time, we left you sinking into a deep, dark well of unconsciousness. You had been taken ill whilst on trial by the Akashic Council on charges of mindless optimism, excessive enthusiasm, indulgence, profligate behaviour and telling awful jokes in difficult situations. As you reached the bottom of this well, it seemed as if a voice began to call to you. Hmm! That was last month. As the vile and bitter prognostications for obnoxious October are well and truly overdue (the ennui again), I suppose I had better get on with their delivery.
Attend to me, my nitwit loons! It is I, Asperitus, examiner of entrails and avian augurer! Put the ghastly cup unto your lips and drink! It's a tumultuous start to a tumultuous month, my little pretties! For, marauding Mars instanter turns his backside to the world and moves into perverse reverse motion. As he does so in leaden Taurus and your solar sixth house, your grim condition turns grimmer. Neither tender ministering hands nor the spirit chorus you have acquired can bring you back into the world of waking consciousness. It's instructive to remember that some pay dearly for the privilege of this but, yet again, such things come to you by dint of the odious good fortune that favours your every effort, no matter how ridiculous or misdirected it may be.
As the New Moon in loathsome Libra brings a Solar Eclipse to your house of friends, hopes and wishes, the ghastly chorus of spirits is silenced, perhaps out of boredom or it may be that they recognize an unrepentant creature when they see one. One way or the other, you should be thankful for small mercies as their saccharine cant would have driven you mad were you awake to hear it. However, as mischievous Mercury gropes the private parts of jolly Jupiter, the voice from this deeper well of consciousness takes over from them as you slide from ministering hands into a world of your own. Vamping Venus enters your sign and you're bathed and refreshed by the staff. Your hair is brushed and the necessities of hygiene are seen to. However, the groping messenger then slithers into hag-ridden Scorpio and your solar twelfth house.
Gadzooks, my frightful little persons! The twelfth house is the domain of sorrow, addiction, dock-workers, psychics, charlatans, thieves and poets. No right-minded creature would wish to dwell there so you may be right at home. But what's this? By my sainted aunt, it's all hell breaking loose in Heaven! Ghastly farting from the nasty back passages of larrikin planets delivers noxious miasma, piped through to the paltry denizens of a benighted universe ruled by insane gods (that's you, among others). Chief among them is the Martian marauder as he forms yet another Yod (you had one last month), a grim configuration that betides woe of nine kinds and is known to astrologers of yore as the Finger of God. And, on the occasion of this Yod, it seems that you have found your inner child. Some would remark that it may be more constructive to get in touch with your inner adult. Hmm! Should there be a referendum on the subject, I know which way I'd vote!
All this notwithstanding, it seems the voice is that of a fearful and uncertain child (the sign of tear-stained Pisces on the cusp of your solar fourth house), the teeny-tiny toddling thing you once were long ago. By my little brown bottle, prancing, prattling persons! It seems, in your unconsciousness, you've found a lost part of yourself. And there's the rest of us thinking there's too much of you already! It only shows how wrong one can be in a benighted universe ruled by insane gods. As mischievous Mercury grinds eager flesh against grim Saturn (ugh) then lays his private parts bare for narcotic Neptune (eek), it turns out this lost and childish part is worried the Akashic Council will find you guilty and condemn you to a fearful punishment. Thus has the little one called you down to this deep lair (his dwelling place) for a visit and a lecture on moral conduct. You're going to have to improve. Eek!
Thus, the busy messenger, with indecent haste, moves on to indecently assault the perverse Martian marauder. The childish voice harangues you on the matter of each and every inept or selfish act you've ever committed. You will note the sins are recounted generically and with only a rough count, otherwise we wouldn't hear the end of it until the year is well and truly done. As the great Sol Invicti gropes his way to hag-ridden Scorpio, you find you're lost in an inner world of agony as you hear the litany of wrongdoing laid at your feet. Unsettling insights about yourself rise up, along with the ghosts of those you have wronged or offended! And you, a champion of justice! Hmm! All the enemies you've ever made are present and mutter vengefully, just beyond the fringes of your hearing. Egad! It's a nightmare for you, tiny little centaur persons! What will you do? Well, I'll tell you! You will sit back and endure yet more guilt-struck nonsense than this as jolly Jupiter, the giggling and inebriated lord of fortune also moves to that same ghastly sign of death, taxes and the anus, thus taking up residence in your solar twelfth house!
Gadzooks! You're about to grow spiritually and become a changed person as you walk the path of enlightenment under the watchful eye of an exacting teacher! Perhaps you'll enter a monastery in Syria or Halifax! Or you may smoke catmint cigarettes and join a cult that engages in secret sexual practices of an especially gruesome nature. Please note that all of this is just as I predicted as the year began.
But that's not everything! On no, indeed not! Your inner child demands that, with marauding Mars in reverse in your solar sixth house, you will learn to do things properly for once! Eek! But first, you must recover consciousness so you can stand trial on the charges of which you the Akashic Council accuses you! Then and only then will your fate be decided! See you in court, little toddling ning-nongs! Right here! Next month! Ta! Ta!