Hola to you, noisome, noxious ninnies! Last time, you were expelled from the Akashic court and sent upon your feckless way! And yet, as you were not found guilty nor were you exonerated on any of the matters with which you were charged, the reason and purpose for this recent chapter of your life seems elusive. However, all things considered, the reason and purpose for your very existence is in much the same boat, the SS Misadventure by name. Or perhaps mischance, misfortune or mishap! For these are the eventualities you're bound to encounter as you navigate the treacherous waters of this New Year with jolly Jupiter ensconced in evil Scorpio (ugh) and your solar twelfth house (eek) for the major part of the proceedings!
Gadzooks, my wittering twits! The twelfth house is an odious realm of misery, self-indulgence, drug-addiction, psychic experiences, deception and self-undoing. And they are the more positive influences to be found in that seething den of heartache and sorrow! Oh, and by the way! I'm late with the forecast. But, I didn't want you to think that anything had changed just because it's jittery January in the year of the insane gods (IG) 2006. Now, as we've missed a slab of your wretched and largely meaningless existence, we had better catch up. There has been ghastly farting in the lugubrious sign of the Goat, bringing to your attention the fact that you are a penniless wastrel in a singularly pressing (and depressing) impecunious state. Eek! Impoverishment and penury will soon become your permanent companions if nothing is done.
So for the backlog! Now, on with the moment! Mischievous Mercury inserts his supple digit into the nether regions of Uranus, idiot god and god of idiots! So does the wanderer return to the bosom of family and loved ones, to find that not only they have changed the locks but also do they hurl abuse and objects, soft and hard, sharp and blunt, in the general direction of your futile imprecations for food, finance and shelter. Cruel but fair! In light of the odious, orgiastic congress of marauding Mars, jolly Jupiter, grim Saturn and narcotic Neptune as they turn Heaven into Hell with their concupiscent cavorting, such developments are unsurprising to the wise. No funds! No home! And, of course, neither health nor work, as you're still in the grip of the spasmodic frenzy of St Archer of the tombs.
As the Full Moon glares from neurotic Cancer with her chill necrotic blaze, you find you are the accused in raft of litigations, the documents for such being among the miscellaneous items hurled at you. These litigations involve dispute (ex-lovers and employers), damages (due to your saltatious condition and a natural tendency to collide with things and break them) and also further claims for unpaid accounts and monies owed! Eek! How depressing! But you did set out to be a pessimist!
By my sainted aunt, little farting tragedies! What will you do? As the great Sol Invicti and mischievous Mercury grind their passage (eek) into Aquarius, you begin talking to yourself. This is largely in the interests of pursuing intelligent converse, an endeavour doomed to failure in your case. But then, as no one else will speak to you, it's simpler to shoot the breeze with the schizophrenic aspect of yourself than it is to form a mature relationship with another human being. Thus do you pursue an eccentric dialogue on the various schemes or ideas you might employ to make a fortune and solve your fiscal problems. As ghastly planets too tedious to name fart in aspects to hideous to describe, you run through your options. With Chiron in Aquarius and Saturn in Leo, you could travel to Sicily, the Lebanon or the South of France and paint murals of large birds using palm oil or frozen orange juice. With jolly Jupiter in Scorpio, you could be a forensic detective and call yourself 'Inspector Horse' of the Yard. As marauding Mars is in Taurus, you could choose a pooch as your faithful companion and call him Oedipus Rex the wonder dog. The two of you could then travel the world, solving difficult crimes. Or you could simply get a job, earn a living and behave like a normal person, though the spasms and spitting may limit your options somewhat.
As a New Moon comes in idiot Aquarius, you make up your mind (snigger) to do something or other. But, as I'm overwhelmed by ennui and screaming boredom, you'll have to return next month to discover what that is. For the nonce, hail and farewell, my crapulous cretins!