Tally ho and yoicks, darling centaur twits! It's time to address you on the matter of your wretched lives! Last month, you were rescued from a ticklish situation in Syracuse, saying 'goodbye' to Horse Lager only to find yourself onboard a ship with an enigmatic crew, heading for an unknown destination. And yet, worse was to come! After some time in which you adjusted to the simple life of a jolly tar, you awoke one day to find yourself alone, abandoned by shipmates, on course for a hellish fate known only to the insane gods! And, on that subject, let us consult the vile and bitter prognostications for obnoxious October to see what lies in store, my tiny persons of the poop deck.
Avast, ye silly nauticals! Attend to me! I am the baffling bard, the awful auspex and the piffling prophet and these are the sacred prophecies of the tenth knot! As mischievous Mercury grapples indecently with cranky Chiron, you wander the decks, upper and lower, shouting for your shipmates, tripping over hidden obstructions and talking to yourself, a thing you do readily enough if there's no one around to annoy with your incessant chatter. As the busy messenger cavorts in your solar twelfth house, you sink into a world of fantasy in order to cope with this sudden dislocation from companionship.
As a Full Moon comes in addlepate Aries, you play pirates and re-enact the battle of Trafalgar or the landing of the Vikings in Minnesota. However, as mischievous Mercury commits an indecent act with narcotic Neptune, you're delusional and begin to talk to any and every piece of rigging, sail or apparatus that you come across as you wander the decks, upper and lower, in a distracted fashion. After a flirtation with a bowsprit and a disappointing encounter with the mizzen mast, you settle on a cannon as a reliable source of companionship, just as marauding Mars has his evil way with the great Sol Invicti. The New Moon in lackwit Libra brings an intimacy to the burgeoning relationship that would have a lower deck hand blush in maidenly fashion and reach for his King James edition.
But what's this? Eek! Egad! Gadzooks! And other quaint expressions to indicate surprise and alarm. It's now that things take a turn for the worst, as the sausage-maker said! Ghastly planets hurl themselves from the cliff tops of insanity to the hellish waste below as they roll into morbid Scorpio, ruler of the anus and the realm of the dead. By all the gods, my tiny centaur twits, you're lost in the fantasy world of your solar twelfth house! It's a ghastly place of misery and self-undoing! No one in their right mind would wish to dwell there, which qualifies you perfectly for the post. You become confused, delirious and almost entirely demented as you gravitate from aimlessly spinning the wheel to making amorous advances to the cannon. You're sailing a ghost ship in the oceans of unknowing, talking to shadows and departed spirits that haunt the deck.
What treacherous climes are these you've entered? When and where will this nightmare voyage end? Slowly does the rudderless vessel of silly Sagittarius sink into the West as the sun sets for Halloween! And on the deck, spirits dance as the great Sol Invicti, vamping Venus and cranky Chiron form a spooky menage a trois!
That's you amongst them, is it not? But are you still a real and fleshly being or are you losing the very substance of your body? Is this the fate of the hero of Corinth and St Archer of the Tombs? To fade into the shadows and pass into the otherworld unseen! Click here next time and see if you become a will o' the wisp or find a way to join again the rumbustious fun and rumpy-pumpy of the real world. For the nonce, ave, my tiny tikes!