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    Click for Last Month  The Awful Ambiguities of December 2006  Click for Next Month
    Sagittarius Hoorah and other various jollities, my bumptious types! I expect that you'll be enjoying the passage (eek) of Jupiter in your own ghastly sign. You'll no doubt be haroo-ing and hooraying, telling wild and exaggerated stories and outright lies, driving everyone around you insane with that irritating laugh of yours that is too loud, and fatuous to boot. You'll also be cavorting, posturing and declaiming in ghastly, opinionated fashion as well.

    However, as most of this is undetectable from your usual behaviour, people will make no more than their usual efforts to avoid you. You know the sort of thing! Crossing to the other side of the street when they see you coming! Pretending to have another appointment when they do run into you. Failing that, they will feign serious illness and fall to the pavement, crying for an ambulance. No doubt most of this will go unnoticed by your good selves, also as usual, and you will carry on in your customary bumptious manner.

    I suppose I'll have to stop wittering on and tell you the awful truth. And that truth is, my tiny waffling nobodies, that there can be no vile and bitter prognostications this month. I have had a nasty upset. I am in my room in Heaven, tied to the bed and held to ransom by a band of nasty little elves. They are demanding I recant the doctrines of irritation and take a more positive attitude to Christmas and indeed to life itself. Thus, they have restrained me in this indecent fashion and have begun singing Christmas Carols, threatening to continue with this inhumane torture till I surrender. And even though, at this very moment, they are performing a rendition of the Little Drummer Boy that has so far lasted seven hours, I am determined I will not give in.

    Unfortunately, they will not release me to perform my accustomed labours with the vile and bitter cup. Perforce, I must take unprecedented steps. A minion sits now at my work station. I psychically commune (ugh) with the creature and thus pass on some chortling, chiding and chastisement to guide you through diabolical December to the threshold of 2007, a daunting and depressing year, much like all the other daunting and depressing years it is our collective misfortune to endure.

    On with the chortling! Dec 5th brings a Full Moon in nitwit Gemini. Thus, partners or close associates will be excited, emotional and difficult to listen to as they insist upon getting a word in over your incessant ranting, a feat that may be highly regarded if competition between lower life forms holds any interest for you. As marauding Mars then belligerently barrels his way into your own appalling sign, you'll crash about the place, shout loudly, throw things at the walls and get into your car and drive really fast, firing your pump action shotgun in the air. This will then attract the interest of unsavoury types and you will engage in behaviour that would make a parson blush. You will have dark negotiations about secret or underhand business. You will have wild or vile sex. You will importune monies or spend them. You will argue with family members or have accidents with plumbing at home.

    As the New Moon comes in your unspeakable sign, you will decide that you are a magnate, a philosopher, an oracle or a military or religious leader and embarrass yourself by prancing around the place in accord with these latest fantasies. However, as ghastly planets fart their way to the odious sign of the Goat, you will find that you don't have anywhere near as much money as you thought and will have to go back to work like a normal person. You will have a row or a nasty upset on Christmas day. Plumbing may be involved or an eccentric and incontinent relative. You will end up doing the accounts on New Year's Eve as you find that you spent too much money in the festive season. You will buy a lottery tickets in the expectation that you will win a fortune because jolly Jupiter is in your sign. Ave, little loonies! Onward and upward!

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