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    Click for Last Month  The Eccentric Exigencies of January 2007  Click for Next Month
    Sagittarius Toodle pip, my impious pea-brains! Although jolly Jupiter's noisome presence in your crapulent sign has given you even more loud-mouthed confidence than usual, the creeping ennui of nasty planets in the hideous sign of the Hircine (goat) has sapped some of that confidence with a few sharp lessons in fiscal reality over the festive season.

    At least, that's where we left you last time, surrendering your dreams of being a famous magnate, philosopher or leader due to financial incontinence or incompetence. NB: both terms are applicable in the case of your budgetary skills. I suppose there was some silly story attached to all this personal agony but I cannot now remember what it was. And, as the month of jittery January is heading down the river of no return at an unnerving rate, I shall have to write something in the way of a prognostication of the vile and bitter kind for you or be damned forever as a dilatory laggard which is what in fact I am!

    So, before it's quite February or something worse such as March or April, let us first recap on past events, of which there are a few. The month began as jolly Jupiter and cranky Chiron disported themselves lewdly. Thus, you hung about on street corners saying odd things to people that were themselves odd or asking about non-existent buses to fictitious destinations. After that, a nasty Full Moon arrived in the wet, neurotic sign of Cancer and, on receiving your credit card bill, you drank too much, had fumbling sex then tried drunkenly to get an increase on your credit limit to pay the outstanding balance. Vamping Venus then flaunted her private parts in idiot Aquarius and you asked for money from people on street corners and in shops. However, as the great Sol Invicti and mischievous Mercury engaged in unspeakable congress in the sign of the Goat, such people told you to stop being a weak-minded idiot and to go out and get a job like everyone else so you could solve your own problems and not have to bother them. But since you never tire of talking about yourself, you simply carried on moaning publicly about your destitute situation until you found someone that sympathized with you, someone that was also decidedly odd and lacking in both sobriety and brain cells. Together, you performed odious acts in a public place, acts that I cannot further describe due to legal constraint. As these events were occasioned by the explosive congress of marauding Mars and dark Pluto, god of the underworld, no doubt you can make a wild stab as to their nature. I believe the court hearing is due shortly.

    Mischievous Mercury pranced and cavorted his way into the idiot sign of Aquarius and you continued to hold forth publicly and engage in eccentric debate. However, this proved entirely unsatisfying and so, as marauding Mars then barrelled belligerently into the lugubrious sign of the Goat, you threw your wallet on the footpath and jumped on it angrily, swearing and shouting in a loud voice. Here endeth the historical ramblings and piffle!

    So beginneth the predictive ramblings and piffle. Tremble in your coloured pantaloons, wittering imbeciles! It is I, Asperitus! The baffling bard that babbles balderdash about your barmy future! Straightway, a nasty situation arises, as it so often the case as the ghastly wheels of Heaven turn while the insane gods fart, fornicate and fall asleep, oblivious to the misery and suffering of humankind! A New Moon comes in gloomy Capricorn and you resign yourself to a life of servitude, working for a living to pay the bills, though why it is that having to make a decision of this nature still comes as a such a shock to you is anybody's guess.

    But what's this? Nay! So not so! It cannot be! The great Sol Invicti sidles into idiot Aquarius and you stand once more at the bus stop, seething about going to work. In your chagrin, you ask the bus driver for once of those fictitious destinations that so amused you early on. And, by my sainted aunt, the idiot creature (he has a twitch and an eccentric style of speech) says he will take you there. Eek! Egad! Gadzooks! And other quaint expressions to indicate surprise and alarm. As jolly Jupiter impales Uranus, the idiot god, on the prong of his trident, you're swept off in an extravagant cloud of vehicular dust to a mythic realm you have only recently invented.

    Is this your real life or is this just fantasy? And will the magic bus take you to a new home or to another back-breaking prison of financial servitude? You're dizzy, uncertain and swaying in your seat. You look at your ticket. Does it say 'Shangri-La' or 'Alcatraz'? Click here next time and see, my tiny turnips! In the meantime, ave!

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