Asperitus Casting Runes...
Oh good Heavens, it's you again, little cowpersons! In my excitement to get the last of this month's drivel out of the way, I'd had all but forgot it was soon to be your turn. In fact, I had all but forgot you.
Some would say that this is a blessed state (the forgetting of Sagittarians). However, I know better. For I am Asperitus, the oracle of bitter truth, and I know that all blessings are false, as are all curses. There is only irritation, nothing before it, nothing beyond it, nothing above it nor indeed below it, nothing at its centre, only the great grey sea of irritation. Each of you twelve denizens of the wheel of animals (that's the Zodiac, cretins) is a tiny yet equal portion of the irritation that turns with the wheel. Thus, each of you is equally irritating and it is neither right nor proper that any one sign should be treated in a different way from any other. Were you all to disappear at once, this could possibly construed as a blessed state. What do you think? There would be some debate (when is there not?) as to whether your complete absence was any more irritating than your actual presence. Surely nothing at all, the total and complete absence of everything would be more irritating, cry the acolytes and neophytes among you. But, the wise among you (there are none of them actually) will have perceived this to be a trick question. If all things are equally irritating (go back to first principles please, i.e. the four ignoble truths), then how can anything, even the complete absence of everything be more or less irritating than anything else?
If you are finding this somewhat confusing, remember that yours is the sign of the philosopher and try to keep up in future. If you are perplexed by the terms of reference of this abstruse and idiotic argument, firstly remember that I'm writing it but you're reading it. Secondly, kindly refer to my biography on the home page for further information with regard to the four ignoble truths. Enough of this! I, Asperitus, the oracle of bitter truth will hereby prognosticate on the vile and empty misery that awaits you in the month of odious October.
At the start of the upcoming fiasco, Venus the goddess in Virgo and your solar tenth house lurks in sullen conflict with underworld Pluto in your sign. You're making money at this debt-collecting game, little centaurs, but you're making enemies as well. As Mercury the messenger turns retrograde in Libra and your solar eleventh house, the FULL MOON comes in Aries and your solar fifth house while mighty Mars and giant Jupiter wrestle in Capricorn and Cancer.
Sober Saturn follows up these pyrotechnics with a hard aspect to Venus the goddess. It's almost too hectic to describe, so I won't bother. You'll spend a lot, you'll eat a lot, you'll lose a lot of old friends while making new ones and separate from any partnership you're in. I suppose I should remember if you're with someone or not at this point but I really can't be bothered. And, if this kind of business is actually in any way different from the rest of your life, I'd like to know how. On second thoughts, I'll retract that challenge otherwise you might well try to speak with me. Ugh! How distressing!
As the great Sol Invicti makes tension with giant Jupiter, a consortium of financiers approaches you, wanting you to take care of their delinquent debtors. As the Lunar Nodes change sign and the great Sol Invicti conjoins with the retrograde messenger, challenging mighty Mars, you make a deal in which they pay for the additional insurance and firearms (making the terminator happy) while you guarantee to provide full recovery of monies or full retribution.
Then, when Venus the goddess moves into Libra and your solar eleventh house while the NEW MOON also comes in that sign, you find yourself forming a liaison or two among the cohorts recruited for this new empire of debt recovery. The great Sol Invicti moves into Scorpio and your solar twelfth house, heading for tension with mystic Neptune, as Mercury the messenger starts to move forward once again. You find yourself on the brink of a brilliant idea. What if you helped the debtors to fake their own deaths, taking the bulk of the money, but leaving them a little to flee and start again? That way, they'd get away, you'd get a lot more money and the financiers would feel they'd had sweet retribution! As mighty Mars moves into Aquarius and your solar third house, you decide to get out into the world and give this scheme a try. What it is to be a cowperson, eh little centaurs! See you next month, if you're still around.
Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes