Asperitus Casting Runes...
Ho to the cowboys and cowgirls of the odious Zodiac belt that holds up the cosmic trousers of this godforsaken planet! Have you stopped talking for long enough lately to hear everyone telling you to shut up? I doubt it!
Cease your foolish chatter for I, Asperitus, the oracle of bitter truth am about to prognosticate. Hear my words (well, read them actually) and tremble for I will predict your unfortunate course through the month of noxious November.
After last month's fabulous scheme to rip off the rich and profit from the poor through the aegis of the debt-collection agency you're now running, the coming influences set the wheels in motion. The FULL MOON shines brightly in Taurus and your solar sixth house as Lady Moon and the great Sol Invicti stir up trouble with mighty Mars and revolutionary Uranus. It's here you lay your plans, the trusty terminator at your side, advising you every step of the way. As Mercury the messenger and Venus the goddess move into the sign of Scorpio and your solar twelfth house, heading for tension with mystic Neptune, the nefarious doings of secret escapes, faked deaths and vast amounts of money changing hands are underway.
But, little centaur things! How will you be able to hold your head up at a political rally ever again, with all these evil doings to your credit? Oh well! You'll be so rich it won't matter. And besides, you can just lie about your integrity, the same way you lie about everything else. However, not all goes as you planned.
When the great Sol Invicti challenges revolutionary Uranus, several of the victims of debt you've set on the road to a new life die tragically when the inflatable raft you purchased for their ocean voyage proves sadly unequal to the task. You momentarily consider the idea of a class action against the Two Dollar shop, but the terminator dissuades you with his judicious use of the term 'collateral damage'. And besides, all the other potential litigants are now beyond the reach of the law and lawyers' fees. Never mind!
But come the cosmic wrestling match between the NEW MOON in Scorpio and revolutionary Uranus, you find you suddenly have other problems. A raft of indescribably tedious astrological aspects (meaning I can't be bothered describing them) ensure that a family of the debtors you're trying to help go straight to the creditors you're ripping off, giving them proof positive of your treacherous scheme. Yikes and ye gods! You're exposed.
As the great Sol Invicti moves into your sign while mighty Mars, Venus the goddess and Uranus crash about in the Heavens, you crash about your home on earth throwing a hastily gathered clothes into a suitcase. And why is this, little centaurs? Because the consortium of financiers has made the terminator a better offer! They're paying him a fortune to hunt you down and kill you. I hope you make it back alive next month to see what's going to happen.
Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes