Asperitus Casting Runes...
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Hail, O rulers of the anus! Hola to you, lords and ladies of the sexual organs! The agony (particularly if you suffer from constipation) and the ecstasy all in much the same place, geographically speaking. Enough of this twaddle, little stings-in-the-tail! Let us get on with the business of miserable March and the vile and bitter prognostications thereof!
There you are, chafing at the monastery you joined after a disappointment in love. Every now and then people of your odious sign make a rash decision (because of your traditional association with mighty Mars) that you later have cause to regret. Could this be one? Or is there some other as yet unforeseen outcome?
A New Moon comes in Taurus and your solar seventh house, with nasty aspects to mighty Mars and mystic Neptune. You decide to try and knuckle down to monastic life, sharing all the fun with your pals in the cloisters. However, mighty Mars clashes with giant Jupiter and then moves on to stir up strife with Mercury retrograde and mystic Neptune. You get caught up in a round of argument and accusation just because you hit a couple of monks you didn't like and poisoned the bird seed because the vile creatures kept waking you early each morning by singing outside your window.
As the Full Moon comes in your sign, bringing a lunar eclipse, you're ejected from the halls of prayer and meditation. But, as Venus the goddess enters Taurus at the same time, you find the lover who rejected you waiting outside the walls. As Mercury moves forward again, squaring giant Jupiter, she/he tells you that if you forgive the past rejection and marry her/him, you will have wealth and power beyond your wildest dreams. Given that your wildest dreams are generally beyond description in polite company, you ask for proof. She/he hands you a mobile phone linked to the family bank accounts.
As the great Sol Invicti enters Gemini and clashes with revolutionary Uranus, you launch yourself headlong into a new life of fantastic wealth. As a raft of tedious planets cavort in the heavens, you're buying drugs, jewelry, cars and making passionate love while suspended from the ceiling a string of new palatial homes. One morning you awake with a particularly foul hangover only to find you're tied to the bed. Your new spouse leers at you, bearing a vast array of shining blades.
Great heavens, little rulers of the anus! What's going on? Has the master of betrayals been betrayed? This is the New Moon in Gemini that brings an eclipse in your solar eighth house. Not only are you about to be carved into tiny pieces, but you're also suffocating under a tide of bills heaved upon you by this demonic figure. They have your name on them and show that you're massively in debt. There was no fortune. You're bankrupt! But, worse than that, you may soon be ruling your sexual organs from a very painful distance by the look of that descending blade. I think we'll leave it there for now, little insectoids! I'll try to wake up in time to continue this drivel next month.
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Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes
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