Asperitus Casting Runes...
Hail, little stings-in-the-tail! Why delay the inevitable with meaningless banter about your corrupt nature and morbid preoccupations? Why hold back the thrilling dénouement with a series of tasteful but, in the end, futile remarks about the despite in which the entire world holds your less than esteemed sign? Let us instead put the irritable pedal to the astrological metal and proceed apace with the month of jaundiced June and the vile and bitter prognostications thereof.
We left you last time, a vengeful lover bearing a shining blade poised above the sacred genitalia, as tide of growing debt threatened to engulf your fiscal wellbeing. We don't often see you like this, so I think that I will draw the moment out as long as I can. Oh god I'm bored now, so let's get on with it. Just as the dastardly deed is about to be done, the door to the bedroom opens and you're saved, little rulers of the sex organs! Your kingdom is safe once more. I'll tell you how!
Giant Jupiter and nasty Neptune wrestle in the Heavens and an elderly academic couple, one with a nervous twitch, enter your mansion, believing it to be the home they've recently purchased for their retirement. Your murderous spouse panics and flees. The elderly couple stands bewildered, contemplating your bonds, exposed genitals and captivating nakedness. You invite them to either spice up their retirement or call the police. They choose the latter, though it's difficult to tell about the one with the twitch.
As sober Saturn moves into Cancer and your solar ninth house at this time, you decide to give up your wicked ways and devote your life to god, to whom you owe a considerable debt for this miraculous rescue. As a tide of tedious planets wanders into Gemini and your solar eighth house, you're left (untied and dressed once more) to sort out the grisly details of your bankruptcy.
When the Full Moon comes in Sagittarius, you use the last of your funds to hire a professional to hunt down and kill your mysterious spouse, as your trust in the Lord only extends so far at this point. As mighty Mars clashes with the Lunar Nodes, you set out for home, the halcyon days in foreign climes now over. As mighty Mars moves into Pisces, you join a local church and get a job, assisting a xenophobic plumber or doing reception work for an elderly gynaecologist.
The great Sol Invicti moves into Cancer, ready to join hands with miserable Saturn and your devotion to the Lord knows no bounds. You decide to seek a ministry in your church. This is beginning to sound distressingly familiar, isn't it, little stings-in-the-tail. Underworld Pluto clashes with Mercury the messenger and Venus the goddess and news of your divorce (in both senses) comes through. You barely move a muscle though, and nor do your eyelids even flicker for you are fixed on your new mission in life.
The New Moon comes in Cancer and the great call pierces every fibre of your being. You're going to serve the Lord, little rulers of the anus! Perhaps we should alter this description and employ a more genteel body part now that you've found god! Oh dear! You're not associated with anything genteel in that department! How sad! Never mind! See you in the pulpit, little rulers of the anus! Hola till next time!
Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes