Hola, little stings in the tail! It's 2005 or thereabouts and I, Asperitus, the oracle of bitter truth am here to embolden you to face another round of the misfortune and travail that is laughingly referred to as life on earth. With a raft of ghastly planets in silly Sagittarius and your solar second house, you will be obsessed with money. You may lose money through investment or speculation. You may have a fistfight with an accountant. As cranky Chiron moves to idiot Aquarius in February, you will become increasingly eccentric in your home life, consult a shaman about the emotional wounds of childhood and do peculiar things with blow-heaters in the bathroom when you're sure no one can see you.
THE JAPES OF JOLLY JUPITER: The giant one is in Libra and your solar twelfth house (eek) as the year begins. You may become a serious student of the spiritual path and join a monastery. You will discover there is another side to your personality (god help us if it's worse than the one we're all familiar with). You may experiment with this other side of you and become two people for a time. Thus you will talk to yourself. You may read books or watch movies in order to try and work out what you'll be when you grow up. You may have shocking revelations about your childhood, involving cayenne pepper, asparagus, lawyers and people who have immigrated from Antwerp or Zurich, unless you live in Antwerp or Zurich in which case they won't be immigrants. When Jupiter moves into your sign at the end of October, you will eat and drink hugely, travel the world and use your professional status or hypnotic powers to encourage others in the formation of a cult that worships you. You may simply travel to Washington or Norway or Hull to discover the meaning of life. You may not find it. In fact, there's money on that if you want to have a bet. From October, people will try to hit you for no apparent reason. You may hide at home because of this.
THE SOBRIETY OF SATURN: With the grim one in Cancer and your solar ninth house, you will search for religious truth by talking to academics, elderly lawyers or tribal figures from Scotland, Cadiz, Tunis or Algiers. You may enroll in a course of higher education and nod wisely through everything that's said. You may simply spend a lot of time wondering why on earth you're here, a concern shared by many of us. You may talk to god, though I doubt if you'll get an answer. Once again, if there were money on it, I know where I'd put the sock with my life savings in it. As Saturn moves to Leo in July, you may become fierce and cruel (or fiercer and crueler) and sacrifice everything and everyone for the sake of your career. You may dress in a florid or flamboyant manner to assert your authority.