Asperitus Casting Runes...
Greetings, O rulers of the anus! Egad, but it’s good to kick a Scorpion when she/he is on the floor! Just the right measure of sublime irritation for all concerned. And on the floor is where we left you after last month’s drivelling piffle. Thus that is where we find you this month, desperately attempting to lift your weary body from the prone position as I, Asperitus, oracle of bitter truth deliver the vile and bitter prognostications for manic May like a knockout blow.
Mischievous Mercury moves forward again and your lover/captor begins to whisper sweet nothings in your ear whilst brandishing the shiny implements of torture. The Full Moon comes in your odious sign, bringing a Lunar Eclipse. As a consequence, you swoon, but a raft of unholy aspects too shocking to delineate sees your story take a strange and terrible twist that may see you avoid the punishment justly due.
By my little brown bottle, you’ve done it again, haven’t you! And it’s all because of the movement of jolly Jupiter in a forward direction. Minions of the law burst into your flat, seeking you on the matter of persons who have disappeared from a workplace that was yours long ago. But what they find is you, the victim of the villainous intent of another. This vile (though ultimately well-intentioned) caitiff is whisked away by the long arm of the law while you are ministered to as the innocent victim of another’s evil doings.
Because marauding Mars has moved into Cancer, this takes place in a blissful rural retreat where practical persons, skilled in matters of care, set you on the path to recovery at the New Moon in leaden Taurus.
And what’s this? Great gods alive and dead, another turn of fortune in your favour! Is there no end to your powers of regeneration, little anal misfits! Vamping Venus is retrograde in Gemini and one of the aforementioned caregivers turns out to be an old companion of the sheets. In no time at all, you renew your acquaintance with the bed linen in the most passionate manner.
A raft of benign aspects (gods, why do such things occur in an otherwise well-ordered universe) reveals that the object of renewed affection is in fact the owner of the establishment. Ghastly planets dance, farting in the cosmic winds and, in the throes of passion, your old acquaintance offers you a partnership in the running of this healing institution. With telltale planetary movement in your houses of money, it seems there is more than a little of the filthy lucre to be made, by one means or another!
This is your chance! Will you take it, little insectoid creatures? Click here next month and see.