Goddamn your eyes, insectoid travesties! I have awoken! Risen from the blissful sleep of anaesthesia to the nightmare of waking conscious in answer to the call! And what is the call, you cry, impertinent inquirers that you are? Why, it's the impending doom of the vile and bitter prognostications for savage September! Would you know them, little twits of viciousness and venom? Have at you then! You shall know the truth and not be spared one whit!
Last time we left you, the usual twisted trail lay in your wake. You made a fortune through theft, embezzlement and deception. Having fled the scene of this criminal mischief and moved to a new town, you set yourself up us a business adviser and conned the locals into believing you were an all round success and a nice person to boot. As usual, too much wasn't enough and you wanted more. Thus, you were ready to conquer the world as a life coach and a spiritual adviser to the masses. And all this has been accomplished with the aid of an elderly spirit guide whose advice has been accurate with a pinpoint clarity.
But, great gods alive and dead, little rulers of the anus! It all went wrong at the last moment. Just as you were about to go global with a web broadcast, you lost your legendary control and were taken over by this spirit guide. By my little brown bottle, do you know what this means, little things of unspeakable body function? You're possessed! Mischievous Mercury is retrograde in Leo and your solar fourth house as the month begins and the inner struggle wracks you with agony. The mischievous messenger then moves forward and things get even worse as you're trapped inside yourself while this living entity walks and talks and smiles and is charming, all in a manner you yourself could not achieve. In fact, the web broadcast goes well. As marauding Mars then grapples with underworld Pluto, the sound of coin ringing in your coffers is almost deafening, though you still live immobilized within your body while your elderly spirit guide disports himself in the world in an irritatingly fetching manner. Before you can say, 'three body bags, please' or another such pithy phrase for which your sign is legend, vamping Venus enters loathsome Leo. Everywhere you go, people recognize you and cry your name in tones filled with just that measure of fear and awe to which you believe you are by nature entitled.
By my little brown bottle, insectoid nitwits! This is all going quite well, if only you could free yourselves to enjoy it properly. But you are caught in manacles the like of which you've never applied to any of your own helpless victims. Come the New Moon in anal Virgo, this ghastly tike that is your demon master has arranged another broadcast on the web. Odious planets rut in the gutters of Heaven and you, with a growing morbid fascination, watch as your possessed body performs magic tricks and feats of hypnotism with members of the public in a live telephone talk show performance. Money and jewels are manifested from the very air.
Great gods alive and dead, you're jealous of this creature's consummate skill and envy the display. Vamping Venus clashes with nasty Neptune and an endless stream of supplicants comes to the bedroom for life coaching of a horizontal nature but you're a voyeur rather than a participant. Egad and rats to boot! Jolly Jupiter conjoins with the great Sol Invicti and the career of this demonic being reaches impossible peaks of 'rock star' popularity. If only it were you, little venomous tikes! It is, and yet it isn't!
But, great gods alive and dead, what's this? Rumblings and crashings fill the Heavens! The screech of cosmic tyres! The scream of cosmic brakes and the great Sol Invicti visits yet another horror upon this benighted world as he lurches into loathsome Libra at the Equinox. Jolly Jupiter follows suit. So too does marauding Mars, and finally does your spirit guide, now your possessor and controller deign to speak. He tells you that when miserable Saturn last clashed with cranky Chiron, he began to subtly usurp control. Until this configuration comes again at the Solstice, he will maintain it.
As the Full Moon comes in arrogant Aries, he tells you that you are not a prisoner, little rulers of the anus! Oh no! Far from it! You are a student and he the teacher. Everything he does, you will learn to do so that you, in the end, will know the absolute corruption of absolute power, under his guiding hand. 'Are you game?' he asks. And are you ready for the game? Are you prepared to take the lessons of a master so that you yourself may be one? Click here next month and see what your answer is, as if we didn't already know. Until then! Farewell!