- Great Heavens, my little rulers of the anus! I'm late with your forecast! Oh well! How sad! Never mind! We shall take it up from this moment here, with a slight nod to the past few days in order to bring you up to date.
Marauding Mars has recently clashed with idiot Uranus. Thus, you will have had several brief but tragic affairs with persons of either sex, lost your favourite bath toy or your mind or both and also lost your legendary cool with a volcanic temper tantrum. This last will have required new crockery, hospital care for those in the immediate vicinity or a divorce and a body bag (not necessarily in that order). Then, as Vamping Venus moved to Virgo, you will have gone out with friends, trying to behave normally, but actually frightening everyone with your erratic behaviour. You may have tried cross-dressing, posing as a marriage celebrant in a bogus ceremony or masquerading as a noted Swedish scientist. And, with the great Sol Invicti conjoined in unseemly fashion with mischievous Mercury, you will have spent a deal of time engaging in serious discussion with yourself. All this, of course, is due to the inner struggle you are having with the elderly spirit guide who has become your demonic possessor. But then what's life without a circle of fiends!
As jolly Jupiter clashes with idiot Uranus, you decide to give in to your demonic teacher and accept the role as 'neophyte' to the master, as you are clearly outmatched by this being. As the New Moon comes in loathsome Libra, bringing a Solar Eclipse to your house of hidden enemies and self-undoing, you make the obeisance of surrender to this inner god. Mischievous Mercury enters your morbid sign and the ancient one makes you a marionette to his Svengali, controlling every word and move. Cash flows into the coffers as vamping Venus clashes with underworld Pluto but miserable Saturn's wrestling match with the great Sol Invicti sees a heavy cloud settle like a mantle of gloom on your shoulders.
The great Sol Invicti moves into your sign, yet what joys do you feel at this impending Sun return, my artful arachnids? Why, none whatever! Confusion reigns within as mischievous Mercury clashes with nasty Neptune. You even begin to wonder who you are! By my little brown bottle, can this be happening, my little denizens of death's kingdom! Of course it can! And by all the gods alive and dead, it is! This is all due to jolly Jupiter and a vast array of idiot worlds cavorting in unseemly fashion in your solar twelfth house. Ah well! What can one say? I have petitioned for years to have the wretched thing surgically removed from the Zodiac belt. Alas, to no effect! Deaf ears! That's what these pleas have fallen on! Of course, my pleas have not been made on your behalf, or indeed on behalf of any other wretched loon who dwells in a benighted universe ruled by insane gods. Nay, I say! It is only my sublime irritation that has kept the cause alive.
A Full Moon in cloddish Taurus brings a Lunar Eclipse to your solar seventh house and lovers and victims come and go at the mercy of the ruthless machinations of your guide and possessor. Sadly, you seem to feel nothing of your usual delights in this subtle yet heartless savagery. Vamping Venus grinds her lustful thighs into lascivious Libra and you find your miserable self disappearing into the very background of mind and being in a dizzying spiral of vicarious experience. It's Halloween, odious arachnids! Has hell come to claim its own? Click here next month and see. Ta! Ta!