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    Go Back  The Sublime Irritations of January 2005  Go Forward
    Greetings, my fiendish little articles! Last month you had become a world famous actor and director in the cinematic arts, soaring to the heights without having done very much, except looking dangerously limpid and magnetic, a quality native to your sign for which you can take no credit. So what will it be this month? Well, I'll tell you! Sit down upon the crown jewels you carry in your nether regions and I will reveal all by means of the vile and bitter prognostications for jittery January.

    Unspeakable planets cavort in silly Sagittarius and you're negotiating serious money for this new undertaking. As these same unspeakable planets then move on to miserable Capricorn, you have a marvellous idea to publicize the movie and ready yourself for this vast undertaking. As the New Moon comes in that same dread sign of the Goat, you spring this stratagem upon the gullible world of moviegoers. You plan to have the entire set for the movie built as a private home and then live there as Dr. Caligari in seclusion to prepare for the role. It's a time-honoured tradition! Actors and actresses have worked as taxi-drivers, lunatics and prostitutes to study for the great works of art they undertake (and also to ensure their economic survival). Great stars have done it, as have lesser ones! Jeffrey Hunter did it for I WAS A TEENAGE JESUS, more popularly known as KING OF KINGS. Although both he and the film disappeared without a trace! Anyway, thus shall it be!

    But even more! For, the whole thing will become the next reality show and members of the public will be chosen by an online voting system to be a guest for a night in the house of Dr. Caligari. And the great mesmerist (that's you, little tikes) will then entice them into the cabinet. These shenanigans will be broadcast live across the globe. The publicity department goes mad.

    Eek! Marketing shrieks with delight. Shriek! The movie-going public has undergarment mishaps without number as they shiver with anticipation. Ugh!

    When the great Sol Invicti enters Aquarius, all is ready. You retire from public life to the inner sanctum of your movie set to become Dr. Caligari. At first you prowl about your manse, bound to a self-imposed code of silence (mischievous Mercury clashing with lugubrious Saturn) for no cameras are yet in operation. Then, you begin to dress for the role, studying yourself in mirrors. You experiment with hypnotic voices and a demonic laugh. As the Full Moon comes in loathsome Leo, the great moment comes too. You are ready to conjure the image that will portray the evil mesmerist. The cameras inside your inner sanctum go live to the world. You begin speaking in commanding tones, encouraging members of the public to vote for a friend perhaps, a near relative or even an immediate family member. Just as long as it's someone they hate. The chosen one will then be collected by the Somnambulist. This is mute giant with a white face who will carry away the victim to the palace of pain where you will then inveigle them to enter the cabinet of Dr. Caligari.

    Great gods alive and dead, I can hardly bear the excitement! This will be bigger than THE TEN COMMANDMENTS! And much longer! And you will be the dark side of Moses, leading the chosen from freedom to captivity. Truly is your sign ruled by the dread lord of the underworld. Click here next month and see how it goes! Ta! Ta!

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