Greetings, my naughty, noisome, noxious nitwits! How is the dark and mysterious world of sex organs, anus and inheritance? Last time, you were a film star, set to launch your new movie, a remake of the German horror classic, THE CABINET OF DR CALIGARI, and a reality tv show based thereon. You were playing the evil mesmerist, dwelling in the dark castle of your new home while members of the public voted their least favourite relatives and acquaintances to be sent for confinement in your torture cabinet. A mute giant with a white face known as the Somnambulist is the grim agent of collection. Thus, we are up to date with that efficient summary.
Now, O rulers of unmentionable body parts, we must attend to the vile and bitter prognostications for the coming month, fearful February in this instance. Ghastly planets disport themselves in idiot Aquarius and your solar fourth house to launch proceedings. The flow of intended victims for the torture cabinet escalates from a trickle to a raging torrent in a trice. It's amazing how many folk will express their hatred for one another when given the opportunity to do so. And, of course, it is the destiny of the natives of your odious sign to be in touch with this darker side of the human condition. In fact, as marauding Mars clatters into the lugubrious sign of the Goat, a mob swells in the street in an effort to insert further hated persons into the vile machineries of your new domestic life. The myrmidons of law gather at your manse to impose order on the contumacious crowd while you, as mischievous Mercury enters tear-stained Pisces, begin to exert your deeply disturbing hypnotic powers on the tremulous victims, gathered in the castle of darkness.
One by one, they enter the cabinet. Shriek and double shriek! What fun you're going to have when the torture begins. But what's this? By all the gods alive and dead, say it is not so! Aargh! It is! Cranky Chiron moves into lunatic Aquarius and your solar fourth house. And, what's more, jolly Jupiter skulks in your solar twelfth house, conjoining in unseemly fashion with nasty Neptune. What will happen now, my odious arachnids?
Well, I'll tell you! The Full Moon comes in irritating Virgo as the great Sol Invicti frolics in an erratic manner with Uranus, the idiot god. Suddenly, you feel uncertain of what you must do or which path to take! How can this be? You're on a global hook-up, ready to torture a gaggle of helpless victims! But this thought only makes things worse. You fall prey to self-doubt. You have grim recollections of a ghastly childhood where you were criticized unfairly by uncaring but irrational parents for pulling wings off flies and putting ground pepper in the blow-heater when your siblings were drying their hair. You begin to wonder if you actually should be nice to others in accordance with the urges of normal, civilized people.
That's it! Perhaps you should be nice! Egad! It's as if there are two of you now. One is the cruel and vile mesmerist and torturer you've always been! But now a monster from the Id has emerged! A saccharine, pusillanimous weed who wants to be nice to people and win their favour. How can you be the monstrous Dr. Caligari if you're going to be nice! How can you torture those condemned by the hatred of their fellows if another part of you wants to offer tea and cake and ask people how they're feeling?
Ye gods and little fishes! This is too much. I'll have to rest. Click here next month and see if we can resolve this inner crisis. Only with an appreciable measure of suffering first, of course. Farewell, my tiny things! Sleep well in the caverns of the wealthy one!