- Hail to you, scrofulous insectivores! You were in an awful pickle last time, were you not, my ghastly rulers of the back passage! You were bobbing back and forth in an alarming and schizoid manner between rival parts of your personality (great gods alive and dead! You actually have one!). One part was a snivelling do-gooder while the other was the evil mesmerist and media celebrity, Dr. Caligari.
At the time, you were embroiled in the inaugural 'live to air' broadcast of the Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, a reality tv show that is the precursor to your hit movie, soon due for release. This may be the birth of a franchise and a corporate empire and probably will spawn CDs, T-shirts, a new line in underwear, a breakfast cereal, a mobile phone company and perhaps even an airline! But that's only if you can stop throttling yourself and screaming 'mother' whilst on an international hook-up, for that's where you were at the exit point for manic March.
So, what do the vile and bitter prognostications hold for awful April? Well, frightful servants of the god of death! We shall consult them and discover. Let us return to the farcical story, laughingly known as your life, as we open the fell pages of ASPARAGUS IN ANTWERP, A SCORPION'S TALE and read on. Indeed, let us see if all this can become more ridiculous that it has been thus far! Always a possibility when I'm involved, tiny twerps! For I am Asperitus, bard of balderdash and haruspex of harangue!
Predictably, ghastly planets fart in nasty aspect as the month begins. As many of the aforementioned planets are having attacks of flatulence in the idiot sign of Aries, you find your health deteriorates rapidly. You sweat feverishly and oscillate between the monstrous Caligari and the affrighted counterpart while still wrestling with yourself and crying 'mother' in a whining voice that can shatter glass and terrify sleeping infants to wakefulness. However, as jolly Jupiter is mixed up in these appalling aspects, it appears your show is a success! The spectacle created is vivid and engrossing despite being largely incomprehensible (never a bar to commercial success). You continue to tear helpless victims from the cabinet one by one then plead with your alter ego for their lives before disposing of them with a precise selection from the vast array of poisons and sharp instruments at your nasty little insectoid fingertips.
This continues till the New Moon in idiot Aries brings a Solar Eclipse to your house of health, whereupon you collapse exhausted to the floor. You are removed by a gaggle of rather nervous staff to your private chambers where you will be nursed back to health by those paid sufficiently to compensate them for touching you. Eek!
In the meantime, mischievous Mercury moves out of perverse reversal, speeding your recovery but marauding Mars conjoins with nasty Neptune, filling your dreams with anger, firearms, swords and severed heads. In fevered dreams, fell creatures come and speak with you as ghastly planets enter cloddish Taurus and your solar seventh house, clashing with cranky Chiron as they do so. But all the time, marauding Mars seethes in your solar fourth house. Thus you are importuned, not only by peculiar devilish females spirits but also by strange young males spirits in these haunted dreams.
But what's this? Great gods alive and dead, say not so! It's tragedy looming! That's what it is, my tiny noisome things! It's the Full Moon in your loathsome sign and bringing a Lunar Eclipse with it! Though on the crest of a wave of stardom, you lapse into unconsciousness and are claimed by these deeply disturbing visitations and spirited away to another land than this. Of course, the publicity is marvellous! 'Hovering on the brink of life and death!' and 'completely spent by the powerful exertions of this great success!' etc, etc! However, it's not publicity that concerns you for, as nasty planets bask in the sewers of the cosmos, you're in the ship of ghosts, sailing the seas of nightmare and heading for a distant land called 'dark secrets from the past'!
Perhaps you'll see me in Antwerp, my tiny fiendish articles. Though not if I see you first! I prefer our dangerous acquaintance to be conducted under the auspices of the grim and forbidding dose of the vile and bitter prognostications, given at a healthy cyber distance. Click here next time and take your nasty medicine from the doctor of doom! Ta! Ta!