Hola, diminutive insectoids! Last time, we left you at an inquisition on your past evils, conducted by the shades of all those you had wronged, under the supervision of Charon, boatman on the river Styx and denizen of Hell. All this seemed to be at the instigation of Pluto, dark god of the underworld and your dread lord. It had come about because of the parlous condition of your health, due to over-exertion in the development of your reality show, THE CABINET OF DR CALIGARI.
Last seen, you were waiting for someone (anyone) to come and speak on your behalf in the grim halls of judgement so we can get on with a tale entitled, as I recall from some distant yesterday, ASPARAGUS IN ANTWERP. I think that about sums up the past piffle. Let's get on with the present piffle by consulting the vile and bitter prognostications for jaundiced July.
The month begins with a ghastly New Moon in neurotic Cancer, clashing with marauding Mars in idiot Aries and your solar sixth house. Thus do you decide to speak up in your own defence, as none other will step forward. Switching on your mighty mesmeric powers, you begin by begging the forgiveness of all concerned then move on to promise faithfully to change your ways and finally deliver a moving but mostly incomprehensible lecture on the ideal of justice and the quality of mercy (when not strained). In short, you lie your way out of the situation by pretending to cooperate as you know the odds are stacked against you and you're bored to death with the whole procedure anyway as guilt means very little to you. Soon, you have relatives, ex-lovers and nameless victims feeling so moved that they weep and beg your forgiveness. Not a bad day's work!
So it's time to move on, my arch arachnids! In fact, you're just about to try haggling with Pluto to see if you can get a ticket back up to the upperworld, stage an exhibition of your legendary regenerative power and get your show back on the road so you can pursue your plans for global domination. But, my fiendish little articles, a disgusting display of cosmic flatulence erupts in the Heavens and changes everything. Grim Saturn grinds his aging bones, causing you to contemplate his passage (eek) into lackwit Leo and your solar tenth house. Suddenly, you feel you are not prepared to let the slights of wittering accusers pass without comment from your esteemed and magnificent self. After all, they are nothing, where you are Dr. Caligari, world-renowned mesmer, celebrity and servant of the dark.
A Full Moon comes in grim Capricorn, clashing with marauding Mars, and you look about you with a evil hypnotic eye and begin a tirade on the wrongs of false accusation. As the great Sol Invicti moves to Leo and conjoins with Saturn while mischievous Mercury turns retrograde, you turn the tables on your accusers who stand, weeping and vulnerable after your moving exposition on justice and mercy. There's nothing like the sweet sting of revenge and you deliver it in spades, tiny insect tragedies! You lash them with bitter accusation! Maul them with their misdemeanours! Pound them with their peccadilloes! And, at the last, you caress them with a corrosive condemnation of their crimes. The wretches end by eating from your hand, begging for mercy and asking what must they do to earn forgiveness.
You sway back and forth with the sense of power that runs through you as you triumph over all that have spoken ill of you. Surely now you can you return to the upper world to be the international torturer and media personality you are meant to be. Perhaps this is why you came to Hell in the first place, my addlepate arachnids! To conquer the grim demonic worm of self-doubt that was lurking in your bowels.
The Heavens crash and roar as ghastly planets fart in the cosmic winds. Chief among them is marauding Mars as he enters Taurus and then grapples with grim Saturn. Eek! It is Pluto himself, dark god and your dread lord! He has come from the throne of Hell to speak with you, as you stand before the vast armies of your subdued and penitent accusers. What will he say? Click here next month and see!